Maybe it's because I'm restarting/reconfiguring a story/novella i began years ago, but today. I had a decidedly mom moment. A mom-ent. See what I did there.
So I'm trying to write this story, about family, or maybe about a girl. I haven't fully decided yet. One version is about a girl, the other version is about objects that connect a family. At first I thought I would make it solely about female characters, but now am unsure. Everything is up in the air thus far.
But the first object mentioned is a keychain. Which, when thought of in the computer-y sense makes a fun play on words since these objects are supposed to go thru time and are cued up for different reasons. Who knows if this will work. Just some thoughts on the proverbial paper, kids.
So I get to work last night and there is a DISNEY/MICKEY MOUSE KEYCHAIN sitting on the counter.
"Is this yours?!" I asked my co-worker. He claims it was there when he got there.
THE KEYCHAIN BELONGS TO NO ONE.
While there is speculation that the place I work at is haunted (things turn up and disappear at random), I thought this was a rather keen coincidence since the keychain I am writing about at the moment is a Minnie Mouse keychain. I haven't thought about signs and such in a long time, and I'm not entirely sure this isn't all in my head, but it was a nice coincidence when I was feeling bad about my writing.
So I woke up fairly early this morning. Well. Early for me.
And I have a porch.
And I have a french press.
And it is nice out.
And I have coffee.
And almond milk.
Do you see where I am going here?
If I still smoked I'd have cigarettes.
And it reminded me of this one time where my mom and I were up before everyone else. Maybe we had to work, or maybe I couldn't sleep. I don't remember why we were up before everyone else, but we were. And she suggested we have coffee on the porch. She still lives in the house, and we had a pretty nice deck. Big enough to fit a plastic table and some chairs on. We may have smoked a cigarette together, I don't know. But we were just sitting outside, having coffee (we take it the same-ish way milk or creamer, no sugar). And talking. And I can't remember the conversation. It wasn't anything super important. It was just her saying she might do the dishes before she went to work. And maybe I disclosed my plans for the day. I don't know. But for whatever reason that is stuck in my head. And it was nice. And that is what I am doing right now. And it's nice.
Friday, June 6, 2014
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Ode To Riverwest
So it has been a while since I've been inspired to blog about something. Not like there isn't a shit-ton of shit to blog about. But. Well. You see
I am incredibly lazy.
Like incredibly.
It doesn't help when I forget to take my anti-anxiety/anti-depressants (because I am on them like every other m-f-ing middle aged person alive--not ashamed) and then I get SUPER sleepy. And super lazy.
Read: depressed.
But this isn't going to be a blog about living (once again) in the Bell Jar. Because other, way famous bloggers and writers do that and they do it much better than me.
Instead. The bell jar seems to have lifted momentarily at least, and I've started writing fiction again (although let's be real, the first draft is SUUUUUUUPPPPERRRRRRR rough. Like super super rough. Like ashamed I wrote it rough. But I digress.)
And today. After an emotional breakdown this morning due to money and me not having any now or forever, I decided to take care of some things (WINK!), take a shower and get some stuff done. (How I will ever wake up on time for a teaching gig is beyond me, will cross that up-with-the-birds-bridge when the time comes). Until then. I will enjoy not being at work until 445 and sleeping in/doing what I want during the day.
One of the great things about serving is the constant cash flow. While I'm supposed to be saving my money for the trip to end all trips, I decided that since my french press has been missing for months, MONTHS I TELL YOU, it was time to replace it. I also had a headache that I felt only coffee could dull.
TO THE LOCAL COFFEE SHOP.
Which is within walking distance because my neighborhood is the best. On the way to said coffee shop, I passed one of my favorite Mexican restaurants, and a local hardware store. Plus two parks. GREEN SPACE IN THE CITY. CAN YOU BELIEVE.
With coffee and french press purchased, and amazing gospel (yes Leon Patillo, if you must know, followed by Kenny Loggins, because my taste is music is the best) on the ol' Spotify, I decided it would be a good idea to finally purchase a bike light since I am a real-life middle-aged hipster without a car and just a bike.
TO THE LOCAL BIKE SHOP.
Oh. You don't have a bike shop you can walk to? Bummer. On the way to the bike shop I passed one of the two schools within walking distance, and a slew of businesses that are awesome. Bike shop had exactly what I was looking for, plus a shop-dog. Whatever. I love dogs. You guys know that.
So I know that I'm basically bragging about my neighborhood but whatever. I felt compelled to write and for me that is good enough.
And I mean. There is more I could talk about. The trails I live by. All of the awesome (and some not so awesome, but everyone needs a not-awesome bar to go to once in a while) bars. And restaurants. And stores.
So it's just the best.
That is all.
I am incredibly lazy.
Like incredibly.
It doesn't help when I forget to take my anti-anxiety/anti-depressants (because I am on them like every other m-f-ing middle aged person alive--not ashamed) and then I get SUPER sleepy. And super lazy.
Read: depressed.
But this isn't going to be a blog about living (once again) in the Bell Jar. Because other, way famous bloggers and writers do that and they do it much better than me.
Instead. The bell jar seems to have lifted momentarily at least, and I've started writing fiction again (although let's be real, the first draft is SUUUUUUUPPPPERRRRRRR rough. Like super super rough. Like ashamed I wrote it rough. But I digress.)
And today. After an emotional breakdown this morning due to money and me not having any now or forever, I decided to take care of some things (WINK!), take a shower and get some stuff done. (How I will ever wake up on time for a teaching gig is beyond me, will cross that up-with-the-birds-bridge when the time comes). Until then. I will enjoy not being at work until 445 and sleeping in/doing what I want during the day.
One of the great things about serving is the constant cash flow. While I'm supposed to be saving my money for the trip to end all trips, I decided that since my french press has been missing for months, MONTHS I TELL YOU, it was time to replace it. I also had a headache that I felt only coffee could dull.
TO THE LOCAL COFFEE SHOP.
Which is within walking distance because my neighborhood is the best. On the way to said coffee shop, I passed one of my favorite Mexican restaurants, and a local hardware store. Plus two parks. GREEN SPACE IN THE CITY. CAN YOU BELIEVE.
With coffee and french press purchased, and amazing gospel (yes Leon Patillo, if you must know, followed by Kenny Loggins, because my taste is music is the best) on the ol' Spotify, I decided it would be a good idea to finally purchase a bike light since I am a real-life middle-aged hipster without a car and just a bike.
TO THE LOCAL BIKE SHOP.
Oh. You don't have a bike shop you can walk to? Bummer. On the way to the bike shop I passed one of the two schools within walking distance, and a slew of businesses that are awesome. Bike shop had exactly what I was looking for, plus a shop-dog. Whatever. I love dogs. You guys know that.
So I know that I'm basically bragging about my neighborhood but whatever. I felt compelled to write and for me that is good enough.
And I mean. There is more I could talk about. The trails I live by. All of the awesome (and some not so awesome, but everyone needs a not-awesome bar to go to once in a while) bars. And restaurants. And stores.
So it's just the best.
That is all.
Monday, January 13, 2014
It's 2014 Mo-Foes
So I made about four new years resolutions this year. Usually I don't make any. But this year I threw caution to the wind, and decided to live a little.
But before I reveal these amazing goals (and if you follow me on twitter, you already know them! Spoiler alert!), let's recap a couple of the things that I did this year that I feel warrant merit.
#rapturethesis2013
I wrote a thesis. I defended said thesis. I passed.
Read: I have my master's degree in film, media, and digital studies.
I didn't know this was possible. I'm pretty sure that I am the first person in my family to get a master's? Maybe? Not entirely sure, but certainly no one in recent memory. And let's be real. It's not like I come from a family of academics. Neither parent went to college so suffice it to say, an advanced degree is a pretty big deal. At least it was for me. Especially since this degree began as I was ending a 10 year relationship, a house was being foreclosed on, I was working full time, and training for a marathon. As if my life wasn't busy enough, I decided to add the stress of a new relationship to the mix, you know, for funzies. I don't regret any of it, and. Well. I did it. I have yet to receive said diploma in the mail, but when I do, I will most assuredly post a photo of it here. Because I deserve to brag and show off.
#marathon
Uh. Yeah.
I totally ran a marathon. I kind of half-assed training (well I felt like a half-assed training), but I squeaked into medal-land. So. I can say I ran a marathon. I killed my sciatic doing it, and the last 6 miles were torture, but I can't wait to do it again. Taking my training a bit more seriously, and hopefully finishing will a little bit more buffer. But I ran from Grafton to Milwaukee. And I ran almost the whole thing (minus the sciatic six).
#vegan
I was a strict vegan for about 9 months. I have since fallen off of the vegan train (because I seriously missed cheese. A lot). But it taught me a lot about discipline (yeah, I trained and ran a marathon whilst vegan), and being creative with food! Plants are pretty amazing, and flavors really come through when not doused with dairy. I still try to work vegan recipes (that don't use a lot of substitutes) into my repetoire. Not ready for veganism? Try to work in a vegetarian meal once a week.
#wuvtwoowuv
Ugh. THIS STUFF. Well. I somehow managed not to dick up a pretty great thing I have with my bf! He still wants to hang out with me, and AND he seems to want me to stick around. What? Weird, I know. We've decided to add a new chapter to our lives entitled COHABITATION. We're both excited (although I have to say I was a bit nervous until I realized I would still get my precious alone time that I have become so accustomed to whilst living single queen latifah style)
#lifechanges
Rather than pursuing a PhD in English (which was the reason I initially got my MA), I have decided to switch gears. I have always always always wanted to teach. 50% of those I talk to say I would be great at it/will like it. The other 50% tell me to run. I have no idea which half I will fall into, but it's important to me to try to make a difference. And what better way than teach my love of books and film to others? It's something I believe in and I think it so important and can help people see the world and themselves differently. So. I've decided to get my teaching certificate! I might be most assuredly crazy, but I won't know unless I try it.
I think that is pretty much my year in a nutshell. Got my master's, said goodbye to a dear, dear, misunderstood friend, ran a marathon, and celebrated a year with boy I love. Unsure what the new year will bring (more school stuff, another year with the bf I hope, another marathon), but here are some things that I would like it to bring.
THE GREAT RESOLUTIONS OF 2014
#40402014
I hope to read 40 books this year, and watch 40 films. I have already read two books! And am currently reading Wuthering Heights (again) because it is winter and it is what I do. Tomorrow I will be watching One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, which I have seen before, but haven't watched critically.
#30#
I hope to lost 30 pounds this year. A crazy goal? Perhaps? But I am pretty sure I can do it. After my binge of chinese food tonight (whatever, I'm running tomorrow, get off my back)
#writeorwrong
I totally just made that one up. But I hope to write more. My thesis committee told me that I have a good brain, that I am smart, but I have no confidence (which is totally true) and no work ethic (also true when it comes to school). So. Even if it's just random ramblings here (which my friends seem to enjoy?) or me pontificating on rapture films or other films/books. I should do it more. I don't know if this will lead to fiction or just more blogs/random pieces but. It's what I hope for.
In other news:
I still love dogs (as if that was ever in question). I still love living in Riverwest. I love serving/bartending (but I truly miss my old work crew). My bf is awesome. My friends are awesome. I'm a lucky gal.
But before I reveal these amazing goals (and if you follow me on twitter, you already know them! Spoiler alert!), let's recap a couple of the things that I did this year that I feel warrant merit.
#rapturethesis2013
I wrote a thesis. I defended said thesis. I passed.
Read: I have my master's degree in film, media, and digital studies.
I didn't know this was possible. I'm pretty sure that I am the first person in my family to get a master's? Maybe? Not entirely sure, but certainly no one in recent memory. And let's be real. It's not like I come from a family of academics. Neither parent went to college so suffice it to say, an advanced degree is a pretty big deal. At least it was for me. Especially since this degree began as I was ending a 10 year relationship, a house was being foreclosed on, I was working full time, and training for a marathon. As if my life wasn't busy enough, I decided to add the stress of a new relationship to the mix, you know, for funzies. I don't regret any of it, and. Well. I did it. I have yet to receive said diploma in the mail, but when I do, I will most assuredly post a photo of it here. Because I deserve to brag and show off.
#marathon
Uh. Yeah.
I totally ran a marathon. I kind of half-assed training (well I felt like a half-assed training), but I squeaked into medal-land. So. I can say I ran a marathon. I killed my sciatic doing it, and the last 6 miles were torture, but I can't wait to do it again. Taking my training a bit more seriously, and hopefully finishing will a little bit more buffer. But I ran from Grafton to Milwaukee. And I ran almost the whole thing (minus the sciatic six).
#vegan
I was a strict vegan for about 9 months. I have since fallen off of the vegan train (because I seriously missed cheese. A lot). But it taught me a lot about discipline (yeah, I trained and ran a marathon whilst vegan), and being creative with food! Plants are pretty amazing, and flavors really come through when not doused with dairy. I still try to work vegan recipes (that don't use a lot of substitutes) into my repetoire. Not ready for veganism? Try to work in a vegetarian meal once a week.
#wuvtwoowuv
Ugh. THIS STUFF. Well. I somehow managed not to dick up a pretty great thing I have with my bf! He still wants to hang out with me, and AND he seems to want me to stick around. What? Weird, I know. We've decided to add a new chapter to our lives entitled COHABITATION. We're both excited (although I have to say I was a bit nervous until I realized I would still get my precious alone time that I have become so accustomed to whilst living single queen latifah style)
#lifechanges
Rather than pursuing a PhD in English (which was the reason I initially got my MA), I have decided to switch gears. I have always always always wanted to teach. 50% of those I talk to say I would be great at it/will like it. The other 50% tell me to run. I have no idea which half I will fall into, but it's important to me to try to make a difference. And what better way than teach my love of books and film to others? It's something I believe in and I think it so important and can help people see the world and themselves differently. So. I've decided to get my teaching certificate! I might be most assuredly crazy, but I won't know unless I try it.
I think that is pretty much my year in a nutshell. Got my master's, said goodbye to a dear, dear, misunderstood friend, ran a marathon, and celebrated a year with boy I love. Unsure what the new year will bring (more school stuff, another year with the bf I hope, another marathon), but here are some things that I would like it to bring.
THE GREAT RESOLUTIONS OF 2014
#40402014
I hope to read 40 books this year, and watch 40 films. I have already read two books! And am currently reading Wuthering Heights (again) because it is winter and it is what I do. Tomorrow I will be watching One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, which I have seen before, but haven't watched critically.
#30#
I hope to lost 30 pounds this year. A crazy goal? Perhaps? But I am pretty sure I can do it. After my binge of chinese food tonight (whatever, I'm running tomorrow, get off my back)
#writeorwrong
I totally just made that one up. But I hope to write more. My thesis committee told me that I have a good brain, that I am smart, but I have no confidence (which is totally true) and no work ethic (also true when it comes to school). So. Even if it's just random ramblings here (which my friends seem to enjoy?) or me pontificating on rapture films or other films/books. I should do it more. I don't know if this will lead to fiction or just more blogs/random pieces but. It's what I hope for.
In other news:
I still love dogs (as if that was ever in question). I still love living in Riverwest. I love serving/bartending (but I truly miss my old work crew). My bf is awesome. My friends are awesome. I'm a lucky gal.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
On Losing a Pet: Topper's Tale
Let me begin by saying that this post is purely for vanity. It's to help me feel better about an excruciating decision that I recently made. And to remember my mostly-sweet boy, Topper.
Topper was a black greyhound who came into the adoption group I worked with about 2 or three years ago. He had been returned because he was grumbly with his then-family. These issues presented themselves from what we thought was a lack of leadership from his family. The group decided he just needed a firm hand, and so into a foster home he went.
He did not do well in said foster home. Knowing that he wasn't going to be easy to place, and running desperately low on foster homes, the burden of Topper came to me, the foster coordinator. As the then-foster coordinator, I would often take the dogs that had "issues." And he did have issues.
At first, one couldn't even walk by his dog bed (or anywhere near where he was laying) without him growling. We successfully trained this behavior out of him (mostly, his behavior was, if anything erratic). But then one night, while I was out, and my then-partner was sleeping, Topper attacked our sweet senior greyhound, Super.
Super pulled through, although it wasn't pretty (when a dog gets attacked, it is never pretty; even less so when a greyhound is involved as they have no body fat).
A couple months later my partner and I split up, yet were still living together. The dogs could sense this and were both decidedly on my side. Super took to peeing on his pillow (she was perfectly house trained and he had taken the bed, while I was on the couch). Topper took to viciously growling at him while Topper was eating. This is the only time I saw Topper so outwardly aggressive about his food. I secretly relished these transgressions and even took solace in them as I was going thru a rough time, and it was nice to know that the other residents of the house were on my side.
Super passed away due to what the doctor suspected was cancer. This was the first dog of my own I ever had to euthanize. I still get sad when I think about it. She was my first greyhound, and I had her for 9 years (she was 11 when she passed). The vet told me she was in a lot of pain, and due to her age, I knew that treating her for cancer wasn't going to be an option. It was completely unexpected for me.
Fortunately, Topper was there when I came home. I absolutely have no idea what I would have done if I would have come home to an empty house. My friends carried me through that night, and for that I will be forever thankful (that and Xanax).
Shortly after Super's passing, Kessie came into my life. She was another "misfit" who had multiple bites on her history (possession aggression, and supposedly space aggression, which I have never seen exhibited) She looked a little like Super but had the most playful, happy personality. She was a bundle of energy, and her and Topper got along extraordinarily well. It was a strange match, but I knew they were going to be mine forever. She had a spirit about her that I couldn't get over. Just like the Cars' song, she was just what I needed.
So there we were, a bunch of misfits living in my huge decrepit house with me. After making the decision to formally adopt Topper and Kessie, Topper bit me in the face.
Yep. In the face.
I have a jagged, Harry Potter like scar on the right side of my face.
He was sleeping in the bed with me (as he was wont to do), I moved, he startled and attacked.
Why he startled this time, and not the countless other times he had slept in the bed with me? I have no idea.
He immediately snapped out of it, and followed me to the bathroom as I inspected the wound (I initially thought he scratched me or something, I was shocked at the fact that I needed 18 stitches. I think I have a ridiculously high pain tolerance).
While I didn't brush this incident off, I did realize I was playing with fire. I knew Topper had sleep aggression, and like an idiot, I thought it was gone.
New precautions were taken.
Topper would be muzzled at night
Things went smoothly with this situation. A new, permanent boyfriend entered the picture, and while he's not a crazy dog person, he respected my insanity.
I moved to a new place, Topper and Kessie seemed to love it. Topper didn't like to meet new dogs on leash, but again, it was something I could manage. No big deal. Not IDEAL. But not necessarily a deal breaker.
In his time with me, Topper learned to LOVE meeting new people. At first a bit shy with strangers, and even growling at friends when we first got him, he learned that strangers gave pets, and sometimes treats! He would often seek people out on walks, knowing that they would often ask if they could pet him, and I would always acquiesce.
So things were going well. I was managing Topper's aggression as best as I could. He and Kessie were muzzled when I wasn't home, and at night, during bed time. I could pet Topper when he was laying on his dog bed, and his recall was getting really good, with me being able to call him off the bath mat (his recent favorite spot) to be gated in the living room.
Then one night, I didn't muzzle Topper. I had some people over, drank too much, and went to bed. In the middle of the night, the boyfriend heard a rustling. Topper had gotten a bag of Oreos off the kitchen table and was trying to eat them. Boyfriend, half asleep and perhaps not knowing/realizing Topper's dumb issues, reached for the Oreos. Topper went for his face. BF quickly turned around and Topper bit him in the back. It didn't break the skin or rip his shirt, but it was still a major step back. I could tell he was upset and shook up (and rightfully so).
So I placed an email to a trainer that came highly recommended.
Four days later Topper was able to get the baby gate unlatched (don't ask how, both BF and I were confused as this happened twice during this night). Topper was in the kitchen. Not responding to my offers of treats, he wouldn't move. I walked over to him and latched a leash to him (often my last resort with him, but always successful), and started to lead him towards the living room. He was having none of it and immediately started growling, and when I tried to tug (gently, obviously) he charged me, baring teeth, eyes wild. I have no doubt that if he hadn't been muzzled I would have been bitten. This happened multiple times, with it escalating when I pulled a dining room chair between us to block him from getting close to me.
By this time it became a battle of wits.
I could have let him stay in the kitchen. But that was not the rule of the land. And as dumb as it sounds, he would have gotten his way.
By luring him with a piece of bread, I got him in the living room.
Again he unlatched the gate.
Again he acted insane when I tried to get him to go into the living room.
I had never seen him this bad for so long.
As I said previously he usually snapped out of it right away but he wouldn't this time.
I was mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted.
I knew that I was going to have to make a decision that I didn't want to make.
Topper ended up in the guest room that night.
I cried myself to sleep.
The next day I alerted close greyhound friends of my plans. All were tremendously supportive.
One friend said a dog like Topper is a huge liability.
Another said only I knew him best.
Another suggested I do a full blood work-up, and research vasculitis, a condition he was diagnosed with upon first getting adopted (upon doing research, from my understanding the vasculitis is an auto-immune disorder that often occurs because of a major infection. In this case, it was because Topper's tail wasn't healing properly, and eventually was amputated. From what I could tell, it doesn't cause pain after the original, underlying cause is found--in this case, it would have been his tail).
And while I wasn't against doing a full blood panel, he had had multiple panels done before (over the years) and all posted WNL.
What I saw that night scared me.
And I've been bitten in the face.
I don't scare easily.
I couldn't continually, in good conscience, put my friends, BF, dog sitters, my own dog in danger by having him around.
Why he reacted in such a fashion is beyond me. Nothing was different about that night. Furniture hadn't been re-arranged, nothing was left in the living room that should have been there. It was as typical of a night as any.
So I made the call.
My vet graciously fit me in.
We discussed Topper's issues (she knew of them), and she reassured me I had done all I could. While I'm sure it was just lip service, it was still nice to hear.
I have seen countless euthanasias. I used to work at a humane society where I was actually trained to perform them. And I did. It wasn't fun, but it is, unfortunately, part of shelter work.
Topper did not go down easily. I watched the doctor administer the drugs.
The vet tech was extraordinarily gentle.
I was stroking Topper's hocks.
And then a door shut.
The vet coughed.
And Topper.
Oh Topper.
He lost it.
He made what I can only describe as the worst sound you'd ever hear.
It wasn't purely pain.
It wasn't purely aggression.
It was like this weird mix of pain, aggression, confusion.
I don't know.
The vet and the tech, apologized profusely, and ended the procedure as quickly as they could.
It wasn't their fault.
The catheter was in properly, the vein wasn't blown out.
He was just reacting the only way he could.
He was losing control, and wasn't able to react in the way he wanted to.
After the procedure, the doctor and I chatted a bit.
I asked her if she's ever had a dog react that way.
I told her about my euthanasia experiences, and how I've never seen this.
But with her years of experience, I thought surely she must have.
She said she's witnessed some vocalization, but nothing like this.
She also said, that right before he started vocalizing, she could see his eyes change. She said it was fascinating to watch, as unfortunate as that sounds. I told her I understood what she meant.
While some may interpret this experience as a bad one. I only thought this reinforced my decision.
Even in death, Topper didn't have a normal reaction.
Was their something wrong with his brain?
Was he just wired wrong?
I won't ever know the answers, and I'm sorry that I couldn't fix him.
Or manage him as the case may be.
A couple days later I received a call from the trainer I had previously contacted.
I sheepishly told her that I had, unfortunately, made the decision to euthanize him.
She asked me if something prompted that decision.
I explained the kitchen episode.
She then went on to tell me that as she was reading my initial email, she was left somewhat aghast.
She told me she was unsure if she would have even been able to help me, and that without meeting him, and just knowing what I said, that I had made the right decision.
We chatted a bit more and she gave me her theories about aggression (which I believe were culled from another behaviorists theories):
Aggression can't be cured. It can only be managed: this was like a god-send to hear. I'm sure people will say that they cured their dog of certain types of aggression, she likened it to smoking. No one is 100% sure that they will never ever smoke again. We can THINK that we will never smoke again. But we don't KNOW for sure.
She said that one type of aggression can often be managed with success.
Two, you're pushing it, but maybe its doable, depending on what types of aggression.
Anything over two and you're getting into dangerous territory
Topper had possessive aggression, sleep aggression, space aggression, leash aggression (with other dogs). And these were (aside from the leash aggression) all unpredictable.
She respected my knowledge as a former shelter worker and the work I've done with my adoption group. She said this type of aggression in a greyhound, for one, is a red flag. These are not highly aggressive dogs (sure they can be sassy and have their issues, but most are not aggressive).
She asked how the procedure when.
"Well. Not good."
"Let me guess, he didn't go down easy."
I explained what happened, and she agreed with my theory on the subject. Something just wasn't right and he was reacting in the way he knew how.
It was just a really great conversation to have. Two people who obviously love dogs, and want them to be well, but yet still know that we won't know everything there is to know about every situation. I think it really helped my healing process.
The other thing I have to mention is the outpouring of support that came with this horrible event. I posted on Facebook, and received "likes" and comments from friends and strangers. Friends of friends, people who have never met me, sent me condolences. It was truly humbling, and showed me how strong this connection is that we have with our pets.
These are creatures that we see everyday. We feed them. We take care of them. We pick up their poop! They make us laugh and giggle at their silly antics.
They frustrate us with their incessant naughtiness and sassy streaks.
And they always, eventually, make us cry.
Hug your loved ones, pets or not, a little closer tonight. How we ever got lucky enough to have them is a grand mystery.
Topper was a black greyhound who came into the adoption group I worked with about 2 or three years ago. He had been returned because he was grumbly with his then-family. These issues presented themselves from what we thought was a lack of leadership from his family. The group decided he just needed a firm hand, and so into a foster home he went.
He did not do well in said foster home. Knowing that he wasn't going to be easy to place, and running desperately low on foster homes, the burden of Topper came to me, the foster coordinator. As the then-foster coordinator, I would often take the dogs that had "issues." And he did have issues.
At first, one couldn't even walk by his dog bed (or anywhere near where he was laying) without him growling. We successfully trained this behavior out of him (mostly, his behavior was, if anything erratic). But then one night, while I was out, and my then-partner was sleeping, Topper attacked our sweet senior greyhound, Super.
Super pulled through, although it wasn't pretty (when a dog gets attacked, it is never pretty; even less so when a greyhound is involved as they have no body fat).
A couple months later my partner and I split up, yet were still living together. The dogs could sense this and were both decidedly on my side. Super took to peeing on his pillow (she was perfectly house trained and he had taken the bed, while I was on the couch). Topper took to viciously growling at him while Topper was eating. This is the only time I saw Topper so outwardly aggressive about his food. I secretly relished these transgressions and even took solace in them as I was going thru a rough time, and it was nice to know that the other residents of the house were on my side.
Super passed away due to what the doctor suspected was cancer. This was the first dog of my own I ever had to euthanize. I still get sad when I think about it. She was my first greyhound, and I had her for 9 years (she was 11 when she passed). The vet told me she was in a lot of pain, and due to her age, I knew that treating her for cancer wasn't going to be an option. It was completely unexpected for me.
Fortunately, Topper was there when I came home. I absolutely have no idea what I would have done if I would have come home to an empty house. My friends carried me through that night, and for that I will be forever thankful (that and Xanax).
Shortly after Super's passing, Kessie came into my life. She was another "misfit" who had multiple bites on her history (possession aggression, and supposedly space aggression, which I have never seen exhibited) She looked a little like Super but had the most playful, happy personality. She was a bundle of energy, and her and Topper got along extraordinarily well. It was a strange match, but I knew they were going to be mine forever. She had a spirit about her that I couldn't get over. Just like the Cars' song, she was just what I needed.
So there we were, a bunch of misfits living in my huge decrepit house with me. After making the decision to formally adopt Topper and Kessie, Topper bit me in the face.
Yep. In the face.
I have a jagged, Harry Potter like scar on the right side of my face.
He was sleeping in the bed with me (as he was wont to do), I moved, he startled and attacked.
Why he startled this time, and not the countless other times he had slept in the bed with me? I have no idea.
He immediately snapped out of it, and followed me to the bathroom as I inspected the wound (I initially thought he scratched me or something, I was shocked at the fact that I needed 18 stitches. I think I have a ridiculously high pain tolerance).
While I didn't brush this incident off, I did realize I was playing with fire. I knew Topper had sleep aggression, and like an idiot, I thought it was gone.
New precautions were taken.
Topper would be muzzled at night
Things went smoothly with this situation. A new, permanent boyfriend entered the picture, and while he's not a crazy dog person, he respected my insanity.
I moved to a new place, Topper and Kessie seemed to love it. Topper didn't like to meet new dogs on leash, but again, it was something I could manage. No big deal. Not IDEAL. But not necessarily a deal breaker.
In his time with me, Topper learned to LOVE meeting new people. At first a bit shy with strangers, and even growling at friends when we first got him, he learned that strangers gave pets, and sometimes treats! He would often seek people out on walks, knowing that they would often ask if they could pet him, and I would always acquiesce.
So things were going well. I was managing Topper's aggression as best as I could. He and Kessie were muzzled when I wasn't home, and at night, during bed time. I could pet Topper when he was laying on his dog bed, and his recall was getting really good, with me being able to call him off the bath mat (his recent favorite spot) to be gated in the living room.
Then one night, I didn't muzzle Topper. I had some people over, drank too much, and went to bed. In the middle of the night, the boyfriend heard a rustling. Topper had gotten a bag of Oreos off the kitchen table and was trying to eat them. Boyfriend, half asleep and perhaps not knowing/realizing Topper's dumb issues, reached for the Oreos. Topper went for his face. BF quickly turned around and Topper bit him in the back. It didn't break the skin or rip his shirt, but it was still a major step back. I could tell he was upset and shook up (and rightfully so).
So I placed an email to a trainer that came highly recommended.
Four days later Topper was able to get the baby gate unlatched (don't ask how, both BF and I were confused as this happened twice during this night). Topper was in the kitchen. Not responding to my offers of treats, he wouldn't move. I walked over to him and latched a leash to him (often my last resort with him, but always successful), and started to lead him towards the living room. He was having none of it and immediately started growling, and when I tried to tug (gently, obviously) he charged me, baring teeth, eyes wild. I have no doubt that if he hadn't been muzzled I would have been bitten. This happened multiple times, with it escalating when I pulled a dining room chair between us to block him from getting close to me.
By this time it became a battle of wits.
I could have let him stay in the kitchen. But that was not the rule of the land. And as dumb as it sounds, he would have gotten his way.
By luring him with a piece of bread, I got him in the living room.
Again he unlatched the gate.
Again he acted insane when I tried to get him to go into the living room.
I had never seen him this bad for so long.
As I said previously he usually snapped out of it right away but he wouldn't this time.
I was mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted.
I knew that I was going to have to make a decision that I didn't want to make.
Topper ended up in the guest room that night.
I cried myself to sleep.
The next day I alerted close greyhound friends of my plans. All were tremendously supportive.
One friend said a dog like Topper is a huge liability.
Another said only I knew him best.
Another suggested I do a full blood work-up, and research vasculitis, a condition he was diagnosed with upon first getting adopted (upon doing research, from my understanding the vasculitis is an auto-immune disorder that often occurs because of a major infection. In this case, it was because Topper's tail wasn't healing properly, and eventually was amputated. From what I could tell, it doesn't cause pain after the original, underlying cause is found--in this case, it would have been his tail).
And while I wasn't against doing a full blood panel, he had had multiple panels done before (over the years) and all posted WNL.
What I saw that night scared me.
And I've been bitten in the face.
I don't scare easily.
I couldn't continually, in good conscience, put my friends, BF, dog sitters, my own dog in danger by having him around.
Why he reacted in such a fashion is beyond me. Nothing was different about that night. Furniture hadn't been re-arranged, nothing was left in the living room that should have been there. It was as typical of a night as any.
So I made the call.
My vet graciously fit me in.
We discussed Topper's issues (she knew of them), and she reassured me I had done all I could. While I'm sure it was just lip service, it was still nice to hear.
I have seen countless euthanasias. I used to work at a humane society where I was actually trained to perform them. And I did. It wasn't fun, but it is, unfortunately, part of shelter work.
Topper did not go down easily. I watched the doctor administer the drugs.
The vet tech was extraordinarily gentle.
I was stroking Topper's hocks.
And then a door shut.
The vet coughed.
And Topper.
Oh Topper.
He lost it.
He made what I can only describe as the worst sound you'd ever hear.
It wasn't purely pain.
It wasn't purely aggression.
It was like this weird mix of pain, aggression, confusion.
I don't know.
The vet and the tech, apologized profusely, and ended the procedure as quickly as they could.
It wasn't their fault.
The catheter was in properly, the vein wasn't blown out.
He was just reacting the only way he could.
He was losing control, and wasn't able to react in the way he wanted to.
After the procedure, the doctor and I chatted a bit.
I asked her if she's ever had a dog react that way.
I told her about my euthanasia experiences, and how I've never seen this.
But with her years of experience, I thought surely she must have.
She said she's witnessed some vocalization, but nothing like this.
She also said, that right before he started vocalizing, she could see his eyes change. She said it was fascinating to watch, as unfortunate as that sounds. I told her I understood what she meant.
While some may interpret this experience as a bad one. I only thought this reinforced my decision.
Even in death, Topper didn't have a normal reaction.
Was their something wrong with his brain?
Was he just wired wrong?
I won't ever know the answers, and I'm sorry that I couldn't fix him.
Or manage him as the case may be.
A couple days later I received a call from the trainer I had previously contacted.
I sheepishly told her that I had, unfortunately, made the decision to euthanize him.
She asked me if something prompted that decision.
I explained the kitchen episode.
She then went on to tell me that as she was reading my initial email, she was left somewhat aghast.
She told me she was unsure if she would have even been able to help me, and that without meeting him, and just knowing what I said, that I had made the right decision.
We chatted a bit more and she gave me her theories about aggression (which I believe were culled from another behaviorists theories):
Aggression can't be cured. It can only be managed: this was like a god-send to hear. I'm sure people will say that they cured their dog of certain types of aggression, she likened it to smoking. No one is 100% sure that they will never ever smoke again. We can THINK that we will never smoke again. But we don't KNOW for sure.
She said that one type of aggression can often be managed with success.
Two, you're pushing it, but maybe its doable, depending on what types of aggression.
Anything over two and you're getting into dangerous territory
Topper had possessive aggression, sleep aggression, space aggression, leash aggression (with other dogs). And these were (aside from the leash aggression) all unpredictable.
She respected my knowledge as a former shelter worker and the work I've done with my adoption group. She said this type of aggression in a greyhound, for one, is a red flag. These are not highly aggressive dogs (sure they can be sassy and have their issues, but most are not aggressive).
She asked how the procedure when.
"Well. Not good."
"Let me guess, he didn't go down easy."
I explained what happened, and she agreed with my theory on the subject. Something just wasn't right and he was reacting in the way he knew how.
It was just a really great conversation to have. Two people who obviously love dogs, and want them to be well, but yet still know that we won't know everything there is to know about every situation. I think it really helped my healing process.
The other thing I have to mention is the outpouring of support that came with this horrible event. I posted on Facebook, and received "likes" and comments from friends and strangers. Friends of friends, people who have never met me, sent me condolences. It was truly humbling, and showed me how strong this connection is that we have with our pets.
These are creatures that we see everyday. We feed them. We take care of them. We pick up their poop! They make us laugh and giggle at their silly antics.
They frustrate us with their incessant naughtiness and sassy streaks.
And they always, eventually, make us cry.
Hug your loved ones, pets or not, a little closer tonight. How we ever got lucky enough to have them is a grand mystery.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Hipster Music Post
Let's begin by saying we are all hipsters. Every one of us. So just shut up about it. Embrace it. Wear your Chuck Taylors that you've been wearing since the beginning of time with pride. Own your musical tastes. ISN'T THAT WHAT COMMUNICATING/LIVING IS ALL ABOUT.
Oh I haven't heard of that band.
Why do you think I'd like said band?
Oh. That sounds interesting. Perhaps I will give it a try.
Thank you for sharing.
Let's just be excited for things. Can we just do that?
We are better than a lot of people.
And worse than a lot of people.
I like flip-flops and I try to keep a vegan lifestyle.
I like skirts and jeans and tank tops.
I like some bands.
I like some books.
I like some movies.
I like wine.
I don't really like beer.
So with that being said, let's enter my annual (not really, I think this is the first-ever) concert review blog!
Thus far, my favorite concert of the summer, if not my life has been Paul McCartney.
Who is Paul McCartney you ask?
Just kidding.
Everyone knows who Paul McCartney is.
He was the lead singer of Wings.
And a member of a little pop band called the Beatles.
He's real.
He's 71 years old.
He's a vegetarian.
He was recently in Milwaukee.
And I was extraordinarily fortunate to go to the show.
It was.
It was bloody fucking fantastic.
I don't really know what else to say.
He didn't play Uncle Albert, but he played Let Me Roll It.
He didn't play No More Lonely Nights, but he played Mrs. Vanderbilt (which we learned Ukrainians love)
He didn't play Silly Love Songs, but he played Hi Hi Hi
He didn't play Jet, but he played Band on the Run.
He didn't play Martha My Dear, but he played Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite.
He didn't play Maxwell's Silver Hammer, but he played Lovely Rita.
Lovely tribute to George Harrison by playing a ukulele version of Something.
Lovely tribute to Linda by playing Maybe I'm Amazed.
Both tributes moved me to tears.
Oh.
And he also played Live and Let Die, complete with the most ridiculous on-stage pyrotechnics I've ever witnessed and fireworks.
I just can't really get over how amazing the show was. It was awesome.
And I fully understand my privilege in being able to go, and am forever grateful to a friend who offered me an extra ticket at face value. I will forever be indebted to her, and this unforgettable experience.
Billy Idol.
What?
Yeah, I saw Billy Idol.
And it was a riot. He played all the hits, and I had fun.
Am I Billy Idol fan? Not necessarily, but the guy was ridiculous, and funny, and also in amazing shape.
Plus I was surrounded by besties, and that makes any concert (usually) better.
Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Shortly after seeing Billy Idol, we got to see Tom Petty.
If I'm being truthful, it wasn't my favorite concert of his. When you see someone 8 or 9 times, this starts to happen. Not every show can be the best, and while it wasn't a bad show, by any means, it wasn't my favorite. It could have been due to the fact that I wasn't seeing it with my usual Petty Crew (moms, pops, JS), but I was with the bf, and my bestie, Prude.
But I think the major factor was the rain.
As you all know, or at least you do now, I really hate getting wet. I take showers in record time, and I can't remember the last time I went swimming. So although I was a trooper and realized I was just going to be soaked, it still put a damper on the experience.
The plus side was that he played some Traveling Wilburys (aside from every other major hit you'd want to hear including some choice covers), and that's always fun.
Smith Westerns
The last time I saw Smith Westerns was at Turner Hall, in Milwaukee. While I love the historicity of the venue, the sound is often something to be desired. They were touring on their "Dye It Blonde" album and their song "Smile" was a favorite whilst residing in the bell jar. So I was very excited to see the show, but a little worried as their sound is a little retro, with feedback and wall-of-sound-type tones. And the show (in Milwaukee) was a little concerning. I feared, as a friend had suggested, that they were just a studio band. Would they get better? Was their success just new?
Yes.
Upon seeing them last night (FOR FREE! Wisconsin is really batting 1000 with free music this year, methinks), they have matured wonderfully. Their sound was lush and full and their vocals had vastly improved. They weren't perfect, but the band was engaging, and were most comfortable playing their early songs.
I wish they would have played longer, but that is a common complaint of festival shows.
But yeah, excited to see how they've grown musically (love their third album), and professionally (showmanship).
Tonight I will be taking in some musical theater!
Because I'm super classy!
Oh I haven't heard of that band.
Why do you think I'd like said band?
Oh. That sounds interesting. Perhaps I will give it a try.
Thank you for sharing.
Let's just be excited for things. Can we just do that?
We are better than a lot of people.
And worse than a lot of people.
I like flip-flops and I try to keep a vegan lifestyle.
I like skirts and jeans and tank tops.
I like some bands.
I like some books.
I like some movies.
I like wine.
I don't really like beer.
So with that being said, let's enter my annual (not really, I think this is the first-ever) concert review blog!
Thus far, my favorite concert of the summer, if not my life has been Paul McCartney.
Who is Paul McCartney you ask?
Just kidding.
Everyone knows who Paul McCartney is.
He was the lead singer of Wings.
And a member of a little pop band called the Beatles.
He's real.
He's 71 years old.
He's a vegetarian.
He was recently in Milwaukee.
And I was extraordinarily fortunate to go to the show.
It was.
It was bloody fucking fantastic.
I don't really know what else to say.
He didn't play Uncle Albert, but he played Let Me Roll It.
He didn't play No More Lonely Nights, but he played Mrs. Vanderbilt (which we learned Ukrainians love)
He didn't play Silly Love Songs, but he played Hi Hi Hi
He didn't play Jet, but he played Band on the Run.
He didn't play Martha My Dear, but he played Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite.
He didn't play Maxwell's Silver Hammer, but he played Lovely Rita.
Lovely tribute to George Harrison by playing a ukulele version of Something.
Lovely tribute to Linda by playing Maybe I'm Amazed.
Both tributes moved me to tears.
Oh.
And he also played Live and Let Die, complete with the most ridiculous on-stage pyrotechnics I've ever witnessed and fireworks.
I just can't really get over how amazing the show was. It was awesome.
And I fully understand my privilege in being able to go, and am forever grateful to a friend who offered me an extra ticket at face value. I will forever be indebted to her, and this unforgettable experience.
Billy Idol.
What?
Yeah, I saw Billy Idol.
And it was a riot. He played all the hits, and I had fun.
Am I Billy Idol fan? Not necessarily, but the guy was ridiculous, and funny, and also in amazing shape.
Plus I was surrounded by besties, and that makes any concert (usually) better.
Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Shortly after seeing Billy Idol, we got to see Tom Petty.
If I'm being truthful, it wasn't my favorite concert of his. When you see someone 8 or 9 times, this starts to happen. Not every show can be the best, and while it wasn't a bad show, by any means, it wasn't my favorite. It could have been due to the fact that I wasn't seeing it with my usual Petty Crew (moms, pops, JS), but I was with the bf, and my bestie, Prude.
But I think the major factor was the rain.
As you all know, or at least you do now, I really hate getting wet. I take showers in record time, and I can't remember the last time I went swimming. So although I was a trooper and realized I was just going to be soaked, it still put a damper on the experience.
The plus side was that he played some Traveling Wilburys (aside from every other major hit you'd want to hear including some choice covers), and that's always fun.
Smith Westerns
The last time I saw Smith Westerns was at Turner Hall, in Milwaukee. While I love the historicity of the venue, the sound is often something to be desired. They were touring on their "Dye It Blonde" album and their song "Smile" was a favorite whilst residing in the bell jar. So I was very excited to see the show, but a little worried as their sound is a little retro, with feedback and wall-of-sound-type tones. And the show (in Milwaukee) was a little concerning. I feared, as a friend had suggested, that they were just a studio band. Would they get better? Was their success just new?
Yes.
Upon seeing them last night (FOR FREE! Wisconsin is really batting 1000 with free music this year, methinks), they have matured wonderfully. Their sound was lush and full and their vocals had vastly improved. They weren't perfect, but the band was engaging, and were most comfortable playing their early songs.
I wish they would have played longer, but that is a common complaint of festival shows.
But yeah, excited to see how they've grown musically (love their third album), and professionally (showmanship).
Tonight I will be taking in some musical theater!
Because I'm super classy!
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Lazing on a Sunny Afternoon
I was outside already.
Give me a break.
Once an indoor kid, always an indoor kid.
So it's a common quandry.
I have the time.
The muster.
And absolutely nothing to say.
Dogs are snoozy.
Which is how they are most of the time.
Topper still hates meeting other dogs on leash, and got snarky with another greyhound.
ONE OF HIS OWN.
Kessie, of course, wants to meet every dog and become every dog's BFF.
Maybe Topper is just jealous of this, since Kessie is his BFF.
The Brewers are winning which isn't as common as I would like it to be.
But it felt good to weed the garden (oh it's not even close to being done, but I'm out of garden waste bags so I'm taking myself out of it) and have the boys on the radio.
Or radjio as Grandma Dorothy would say.
Recently watched "Behind the Candelabra."
That was amazing.
I knew nothing of Liberace other than that he was gay and from Milwaukee.
And it was all so...
QUEER.
The acting was divine, and everyone deserves awards.
So you should totally watch it.
This is my advice.
Also just watched "Cabin in the Woods."
WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME BRADLEY WHITFORD WAS IN IT!?!?
Do you realize how much I love that man?
AND
The best part is he basically played Josh Lyman in the film.
Snarky, cocky, but also kind of nice.
The film itself was also good!
WHAT!??
A movie I actually enjoyed!?!?!
It's true.
Although, for some reason, I thought (if my memory serves, which let's be real, it might not), I thought there were twists in it? Seemed pretty straightforward to me.
But I'm really good at watching movies.
Give me a break.
Once an indoor kid, always an indoor kid.
So it's a common quandry.
I have the time.
The muster.
And absolutely nothing to say.
Dogs are snoozy.
Which is how they are most of the time.
Topper still hates meeting other dogs on leash, and got snarky with another greyhound.
ONE OF HIS OWN.
Kessie, of course, wants to meet every dog and become every dog's BFF.
Maybe Topper is just jealous of this, since Kessie is his BFF.
The Brewers are winning which isn't as common as I would like it to be.
But it felt good to weed the garden (oh it's not even close to being done, but I'm out of garden waste bags so I'm taking myself out of it) and have the boys on the radio.
Or radjio as Grandma Dorothy would say.
Recently watched "Behind the Candelabra."
That was amazing.
I knew nothing of Liberace other than that he was gay and from Milwaukee.
And it was all so...
QUEER.
The acting was divine, and everyone deserves awards.
So you should totally watch it.
This is my advice.
Also just watched "Cabin in the Woods."
WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME BRADLEY WHITFORD WAS IN IT!?!?
Do you realize how much I love that man?
AND
The best part is he basically played Josh Lyman in the film.
Snarky, cocky, but also kind of nice.
The film itself was also good!
WHAT!??
A movie I actually enjoyed!?!?!
It's true.
Although, for some reason, I thought (if my memory serves, which let's be real, it might not), I thought there were twists in it? Seemed pretty straightforward to me.
But I'm really good at watching movies.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Random Thoughts on a Sunday Afternoon of a Holiday Weekend
When you can't thing of things to write about, but you're dying to write (or BLOG as the kids are saying these days) what do you?
Start at the very beginning.
A very good place to start.
So I sit at the Alterra in my new neighborhood.
Tum full of vicodin and a hummus wrap and coffee and soy milk.
I'm not even a pill popper, you guys.
I had my wisdom teeth out.
Give me a BREAK.
(although let's be real. If I had more more, I would totes be a drug addict. I think we all know that)
Random thoughts:
Sometimes feeling like a grown-up is okay.
Not everything I do has to make the world a better place.
I still don't shop at Target.
I still try to eschew shopping at box stores.
I try to patron local businesses as much as possible.
I can't save all the dogs, but I've saved a couple at least.
Sometimes I have good ideas.
Has anything been written on the Lord of the Rings being anti-semitic?
If I didn't hate the text so much I might research this further.
Remember when that guy in my class thought I was a lesser being (i.e. female) for not liking BORED of the Rings? LOLZ!
Being vegan is challenging but it's a good kind of challenge!
I miss running!
I got my wisdom teeth out two days ago and went out to dinner with school chums and then went dancing.
I'm A WINNER!
Sometimes I think I'm really really smart, even though my grades don't reflect that.
I need to get my bike(s) tuned up. It's really dumb that I drive to work everyday.
My tank top addiction has been replaced by a thrift-store skirt addiction, which I haven't actually begun yet, but revel in thinking about.
I hate that my self esteem is dictated by my grades and attention from dudes and my weight.
I think I have a new hairstyle I want to try out.
The UK Being Human is really good.
Pretty sure the bf is a creative nazi who doesn't realize my creative genius. This will probably change soon.
I have a love-hate relationship with academia.
Having a life plan is strange.
I miss smoking.
I already read Crow After Roe and am now reading World War Z. Then I'll move on to reading books on my shelf. Probably read Less Than Zero again. Taking recommendations.
Reading is all sorts of cool.
I still have library fines. At both the public library and the UWM library.
I have a love-hate relationship with judging people.
I wish the Brewers were playing better.
I still need to plant.
My first CSA came and it is chock full of asparagus and potatoes!
I will probably make a vegan rhubarb/strawberry/apple pie for my Procrastination Birthday Celebration. Among other things.
Just realized a vegan gyro with homemade cuke sauce is in my future. Details to follow.
Going to LA soon.
I never tire of hearing about people's relationship with food or exercise regimens.
Just realized if/when I graduate I will be the first person in my family's history (as far as I know) with a Master's Degree.
I will also be almost 100g in debt.
But I'll have time to work on the next novel to define a generation.
Remember when people thought I was a good writer?
"I am a writer. I writer of fiction."--The Decemberists
They got proggy didn't they.
Good thing I like Yes and King Crimson.
Start at the very beginning.
A very good place to start.
So I sit at the Alterra in my new neighborhood.
Tum full of vicodin and a hummus wrap and coffee and soy milk.
I'm not even a pill popper, you guys.
I had my wisdom teeth out.
Give me a BREAK.
(although let's be real. If I had more more, I would totes be a drug addict. I think we all know that)
Random thoughts:
Sometimes feeling like a grown-up is okay.
Not everything I do has to make the world a better place.
I still don't shop at Target.
I still try to eschew shopping at box stores.
I try to patron local businesses as much as possible.
I can't save all the dogs, but I've saved a couple at least.
Sometimes I have good ideas.
Has anything been written on the Lord of the Rings being anti-semitic?
If I didn't hate the text so much I might research this further.
Remember when that guy in my class thought I was a lesser being (i.e. female) for not liking BORED of the Rings? LOLZ!
Being vegan is challenging but it's a good kind of challenge!
I miss running!
I got my wisdom teeth out two days ago and went out to dinner with school chums and then went dancing.
I'm A WINNER!
Sometimes I think I'm really really smart, even though my grades don't reflect that.
I need to get my bike(s) tuned up. It's really dumb that I drive to work everyday.
My tank top addiction has been replaced by a thrift-store skirt addiction, which I haven't actually begun yet, but revel in thinking about.
I hate that my self esteem is dictated by my grades and attention from dudes and my weight.
I think I have a new hairstyle I want to try out.
The UK Being Human is really good.
Pretty sure the bf is a creative nazi who doesn't realize my creative genius. This will probably change soon.
I have a love-hate relationship with academia.
Having a life plan is strange.
I miss smoking.
I already read Crow After Roe and am now reading World War Z. Then I'll move on to reading books on my shelf. Probably read Less Than Zero again. Taking recommendations.
Reading is all sorts of cool.
I still have library fines. At both the public library and the UWM library.
I have a love-hate relationship with judging people.
I wish the Brewers were playing better.
I still need to plant.
My first CSA came and it is chock full of asparagus and potatoes!
I will probably make a vegan rhubarb/strawberry/apple pie for my Procrastination Birthday Celebration. Among other things.
Just realized a vegan gyro with homemade cuke sauce is in my future. Details to follow.
Going to LA soon.
I never tire of hearing about people's relationship with food or exercise regimens.
Just realized if/when I graduate I will be the first person in my family's history (as far as I know) with a Master's Degree.
I will also be almost 100g in debt.
But I'll have time to work on the next novel to define a generation.
Remember when people thought I was a good writer?
"I am a writer. I writer of fiction."--The Decemberists
They got proggy didn't they.
Good thing I like Yes and King Crimson.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Class Issues
I'm pretty sure I was who Shakespeare was referencing when he wrote "green-eyed monster" in Othello. I am an insanely jealous person.
Not so much about material things.
I don't care if you have a nice car, or if you have nice clothes (well I kind of care--like where you purchased them from, but I'm pretty sure that is another topic).
But.
I am really jealous of people who have an insane amount of privilege AND they don't realize it.
Or.
They realize it and squander it.
This all began upon listening to an old Savage Love podcast (which is a godsend when I'm about to stab my eyes out writing copy for glitter-bomb sweatshirts). A caller was wondering what to do because she was dating an older man that her parents didn't approve of, and they were threatening to cut her off financially. She was getting her bachelor's degree in something that required her to continue on to graduate school. So she was going through a first-world Sophie's Choice.
Because, you know who put me through college?
ME.
The plus side: I could do whatever I wanted during my college years (which are still going on by the way). This meant I could move in with a boy I like. Or not go to class because I didn't feel like it. I didn't have grades to keep up or anyone to answer to financially.
The down side:
I had to work through college. I still have to work through college. This not only means that I don't have the free time that other students have, but I don't have the option of getting an unpaid internship which could give me other connections/experiences which could help me get a job/ins/contacts for the future.
And this is just the business side of things. As a graduate student who works full time, I'm unable to attend roundtable/brown-bag lunches and/or take part in other academic endeavors that tend to take place during the work day. While my work is currently VERY flexible (and I am SO VERY THANKFUL FOR THAT), they aren't THAT flexible. I can't take two hour lunches without me staying until 8pm, which would then cut into my homework time and...you see where this is going?
AND I HAVE IT EASY.
I am an adult. I know I have to do certain things, and I have made certain choices. I chose to go to graduate school when I didn't have an assistantship. I could have quit my full time job, but I was left with a house due to a split, yadda yadda yadda. I understand that these are the choices I've made.
But think about people who aren't as fortunate as me.
There is an excellent New York Times article which talks about this issue in depth, by following three low-income girls who succeeded in high-school but are having a tough time succeeding in college. It's a class issue. I was raised in a middle class family, or maybe I just thought I was? Except for my first semester of college, I went to public, state schools. Upon completion of my master's, I will have $40g+ of debt.
College costs are going up. It's not fair (and yeah, I know life isn't fair. I'm just venting), but what are people/kids supposed to do? Think of those who don't have flexible jobs, or people with kids who are trying to better their position? How are they supposed to compete with those who don't have those responsibilities?
I don't have answers.
I'm not saying that my life is SO HARD.
Cos it isn't.
I love school. I actually do really like my job. I am super-duper fortunate that I even have a job and an undergraduate degree and an almost master's (first one in my family, yo!). But sometimes, I get a little testy when I hear people complain about their free money getting taken away. People get by on so much less all the time. And I sometimes wish people would be cognizant of that. Not everyone has the luxury of pulling allnighters or going for that internship.
Not so much about material things.
I don't care if you have a nice car, or if you have nice clothes (well I kind of care--like where you purchased them from, but I'm pretty sure that is another topic).
But.
I am really jealous of people who have an insane amount of privilege AND they don't realize it.
Or.
They realize it and squander it.
This all began upon listening to an old Savage Love podcast (which is a godsend when I'm about to stab my eyes out writing copy for glitter-bomb sweatshirts). A caller was wondering what to do because she was dating an older man that her parents didn't approve of, and they were threatening to cut her off financially. She was getting her bachelor's degree in something that required her to continue on to graduate school. So she was going through a first-world Sophie's Choice.
Because, you know who put me through college?
ME.
The plus side: I could do whatever I wanted during my college years (which are still going on by the way). This meant I could move in with a boy I like. Or not go to class because I didn't feel like it. I didn't have grades to keep up or anyone to answer to financially.
The down side:
I had to work through college. I still have to work through college. This not only means that I don't have the free time that other students have, but I don't have the option of getting an unpaid internship which could give me other connections/experiences which could help me get a job/ins/contacts for the future.
And this is just the business side of things. As a graduate student who works full time, I'm unable to attend roundtable/brown-bag lunches and/or take part in other academic endeavors that tend to take place during the work day. While my work is currently VERY flexible (and I am SO VERY THANKFUL FOR THAT), they aren't THAT flexible. I can't take two hour lunches without me staying until 8pm, which would then cut into my homework time and...you see where this is going?
AND I HAVE IT EASY.
I am an adult. I know I have to do certain things, and I have made certain choices. I chose to go to graduate school when I didn't have an assistantship. I could have quit my full time job, but I was left with a house due to a split, yadda yadda yadda. I understand that these are the choices I've made.
But think about people who aren't as fortunate as me.
There is an excellent New York Times article which talks about this issue in depth, by following three low-income girls who succeeded in high-school but are having a tough time succeeding in college. It's a class issue. I was raised in a middle class family, or maybe I just thought I was? Except for my first semester of college, I went to public, state schools. Upon completion of my master's, I will have $40g+ of debt.
College costs are going up. It's not fair (and yeah, I know life isn't fair. I'm just venting), but what are people/kids supposed to do? Think of those who don't have flexible jobs, or people with kids who are trying to better their position? How are they supposed to compete with those who don't have those responsibilities?
I don't have answers.
I'm not saying that my life is SO HARD.
Cos it isn't.
I love school. I actually do really like my job. I am super-duper fortunate that I even have a job and an undergraduate degree and an almost master's (first one in my family, yo!). But sometimes, I get a little testy when I hear people complain about their free money getting taken away. People get by on so much less all the time. And I sometimes wish people would be cognizant of that. Not everyone has the luxury of pulling allnighters or going for that internship.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Vegan Challenge Week One: COMPLETE!
You may or may not know that I'm participating in a psuedo-family vegan challenge. My aunt and a couple of uncles are taking part as well. And....
IT'S GOING REALLY WELL!
I'm super broke, and thus can't be super creative yet. And I've had to use what I've had in my pantry, which isn't a whole lot (I moved in November and got rid of a TON of stuff).
So.
With that in mind, I think the challenge is going really well.
While I've had to fall back on a couple of old stand-bys:
IT'S GOING REALLY WELL!
I'm super broke, and thus can't be super creative yet. And I've had to use what I've had in my pantry, which isn't a whole lot (I moved in November and got rid of a TON of stuff).
So.
With that in mind, I think the challenge is going really well.
While I've had to fall back on a couple of old stand-bys:
- veggie refried beans/onions/lettuce burrito
- pasta with red sauce and/or olive oil and veggies
- salad with olive oil and balsamic vinegar drizzled over it
- vegan bread from an AMAZING local bakery, Rocket Baby (full disclosure, the owners are friends of mine and I have worked part-time for them in the past. WITH that being said, I don't live in the neighborhood and will be back when my current bread supply runs out).
- a terrific vegan chili from The Vegan Slow Coooker, which when I get paid, will be a mother-loving god send. Even if you're not a vegetarian or vegan, this cookbook has amazing recipes for the slow cooker.
Pros:
I am being more creative with cooking/using up what I have.
I always look at labels, so that hasn't been too different.
The fake butter isn't awesome, but it isn't terrible and it's half the calories of regular butter (yes, okay, FINE. I would be lying if I said I wasn't doing this to lose a little weight. I'm not a big fan of the way I look right now, and I'm hoping this, as well as the other regimens I've implemented) will help me tackle that).
Oh! And it's cheap! Not buying cheese or milk is fairly easy on the budget.
Yellow Tail reds are vegan (actually, their whole website is super helpful and says upfront which wines are vegan AND gives nutritional information)!
Cons:
I'm craving sweets? I don't know if this has to do with me being vegan-y, but I almost bought a pack of windmill cookies at Walgreens!?! What!? Totally not me, and in the end I didn't do it, but...
Wine. A. LOT. of wine is not vegan. As I'm really trying hard to not be a super huge burden on people, I have drank some wine that isn't for sure vegan. Barnivore has been a godsend in regards to booze, but it has sadly informed me that cider and certain wines I like are not vegan.
Since I'm cooking almost everything, the clean-up SUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKSSSSS.
All in all.
I feel good.
Energy is decent.
Excited to make new things!
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Friday, January 4, 2013
On Disappointment
Lo!
It seems like it was only yesterday that I was pining for a position that I interviewed for, thought I would actually be good at, AND actually wanted.
The times, they are a-changing.
It was brought to my attention today from my HR rep, that not only did I not get the job.
I didn't even advance on to the second round.
BURN.
A status update on facebook, some insider info, and I feel a little better.
But not much.
While it's nice to cling to those "Something better is on the way!"
or
"It wasn't meant to be!" it's not necessarily guaranteed is it?
I suppose these sentiments could be true.
But it could also be true that I lose my job, and die a homeless person.
In which case, something better wouldn't be on the way.
It's not that I don't appreciate the sentiments.
I do, I really REALLY do.
And this whole short stay at Pity-Me Pines has me thankful for the things that I do have:
Friends! Super duper awesome friends who loan me money and buy me drinks when I have zero dollahs.
An awesome flat in an awesome neighborhood!
Two ridiculous dogs!
A secret trip to murdershack/rapecave/Chicago/??? with a bf who is cute/funny/smart and actually seems to dig me!
An actual job with friends who keep me sane and sometimes wish I could see outside of the workday!
But the whole "it gets better" is really something only privileged people can say.
Because it doesn't always get better.
SO.
I'm extremely grateful to be privileged enough to believe that things will get better.
Fresh start. All that mumbo jumbo.
And in all honesty, I might be a secret optimist. And maybe that's why me not even advancing has really gotten to me. Do they even know how super awesome I am to work with and just know generally???
Onward.
Upward?
Forward.
In other news
Vegan Challenge:
Day three! Even had the Stone Creek barista check the chai to make sure there wasn't any honey!
Veggie burgers and pasta are saving my broke arse right now. But thus far, I feel good. I'm not overly tired. I think the The Vegan Slowcooker is going to save my life and I can't wait to stock up on groceries to make almost everything in it. Even when this challenge is over.
School!
Grade came in. While it's not a grade most grad students would be proud, after my semester of nervous breakdowns (including one during a meeting with said professor), falling behind, and general inefficiency--I really, really couldn't be happier. AND! I'm actually excited for the new semester to begin! Feminism and US Film!?!?! Splooge central.
Maybe me not getting this job is subtle hint to pursue the PhD? Unsure at this point. Need to utilize my ovaries and not be such a baby about everything (CFPs, writing in general). Will keep you posted.
Blogging!
What?
A BLOG TWO DAYS IN A ROW!?!?!!?!
Try not to pee with excitement.
Brewers.
LeSigh.
My bittersweet Brew Crew. How I love thee.
Nosebleed 10-pack will be purchased and I promise to follow you more closely.
But not necessarily spring training, cos we all know that is no great predictor.
GAH!
(biting nails, shaking knee)
Excited.
It seems like it was only yesterday that I was pining for a position that I interviewed for, thought I would actually be good at, AND actually wanted.
The times, they are a-changing.
It was brought to my attention today from my HR rep, that not only did I not get the job.
I didn't even advance on to the second round.
BURN.
A status update on facebook, some insider info, and I feel a little better.
But not much.
While it's nice to cling to those "Something better is on the way!"
or
"It wasn't meant to be!" it's not necessarily guaranteed is it?
I suppose these sentiments could be true.
But it could also be true that I lose my job, and die a homeless person.
In which case, something better wouldn't be on the way.
It's not that I don't appreciate the sentiments.
I do, I really REALLY do.
And this whole short stay at Pity-Me Pines has me thankful for the things that I do have:
Friends! Super duper awesome friends who loan me money and buy me drinks when I have zero dollahs.
An awesome flat in an awesome neighborhood!
Two ridiculous dogs!
A secret trip to murdershack/rapecave/Chicago/??? with a bf who is cute/funny/smart and actually seems to dig me!
An actual job with friends who keep me sane and sometimes wish I could see outside of the workday!
But the whole "it gets better" is really something only privileged people can say.
Because it doesn't always get better.
SO.
I'm extremely grateful to be privileged enough to believe that things will get better.
Fresh start. All that mumbo jumbo.
And in all honesty, I might be a secret optimist. And maybe that's why me not even advancing has really gotten to me. Do they even know how super awesome I am to work with and just know generally???
Onward.
Upward?
Forward.
In other news
Vegan Challenge:
Day three! Even had the Stone Creek barista check the chai to make sure there wasn't any honey!
Veggie burgers and pasta are saving my broke arse right now. But thus far, I feel good. I'm not overly tired. I think the The Vegan Slowcooker is going to save my life and I can't wait to stock up on groceries to make almost everything in it. Even when this challenge is over.
School!
Grade came in. While it's not a grade most grad students would be proud, after my semester of nervous breakdowns (including one during a meeting with said professor), falling behind, and general inefficiency--I really, really couldn't be happier. AND! I'm actually excited for the new semester to begin! Feminism and US Film!?!?! Splooge central.
Maybe me not getting this job is subtle hint to pursue the PhD? Unsure at this point. Need to utilize my ovaries and not be such a baby about everything (CFPs, writing in general). Will keep you posted.
Blogging!
What?
A BLOG TWO DAYS IN A ROW!?!?!!?!
Try not to pee with excitement.
Brewers.
LeSigh.
My bittersweet Brew Crew. How I love thee.
Nosebleed 10-pack will be purchased and I promise to follow you more closely.
But not necessarily spring training, cos we all know that is no great predictor.
GAH!
(biting nails, shaking knee)
Excited.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Obligatory New Year's Post: Setting My Intentions
What a world. What a world.
After celebrating in amazing style, class, and overindulgence with some fabulous friends. And taking a well-deserved day off from life, watching the League with the bf, I have now decided to state my intentions for the year.
#burchveganchallenge2013
It has come to my attentions that two of my relatives, and myself, are all taking part in a vegan challenge.
Will it be hard?
Probably.
Has it been hard?
Not yet.
Will I get thru it?
I don't know! Enough with all the questions!
My goal for this challenge is to cook more, and eat more plant-based food rather than always going for a frozen pizza or fake meat as my fall-back.
Thus far (and let's be real, I'm on day 2).
Things have been fabulous, although not all that plant-based. I'm thinking of keeping more detailed challenge-related progress in a different blog, but who knows. Will keep you little minxes posted.
#wearethebestones
Keep trying to be the best at everything I want to be good at.
Writing. Knitting. Cooking. Awesomeness. Jocularity. Pithiness.
Why not?
#iloveus
Ensuring to make time for those that bring me happiness and joy and ridiculousness and try to sever less enjoyable bonds.
This could be the hardest intention yet.
(That sounded really diabolical. But I didn't mean it that way.)
#lazybloggersoftheworldunite
I really REALLY would love to blog more.
I am like a dog and I thrive on routine..
But I very rarely have one.
So.
I'm going to try hard to keep up this blog, and try to ensure I have interesting things to say.
#regularresolutions
Things I say I'm gonna do all the time:
Exercise more!
Eat better!
Budget!
But if I keep trying, I suppose something has got to stick.
In other news.
I want to watch Raging Bull again, after listening to a podcast from Scorsese's editor.
This also has made me want to blog about AFI's top films and my thoughts on them and the role women play in them.
I'm not saying this hasn't been done, or that I'd be good at it. I just want to try it out.
That is all.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Oh My God We're Back Again
Yeah. Yeah.
It's been a while.
School.
Stress.
Whole lotta excuses.
Not enough writing.
And.
I MISS IT.
It's been so long.
I feel like the door knocker in Labyrinth that has the knocker in his mouth until Sarah takes it out.
As you can see not much has changed.
Still referencing Labyrinth at every turn.
Oh.
But things HAVE changed.
Make new friends.
Keep the old
One is silver (sing it with me!)
And the other gold.
Newness:
New flat! I moved out of my old, decrepit Misfit Greyhound Manor and am currently residing in Flat of the Misfit Greys. Riverwest! I can walk to get coffee! A lovely tradition my bf and I have taken to on Sunday mornings
WAIT> WHAT!?!?!?!?!
A BF!?!?!
Frankie say Relax. I will get to it in a minute.
IN A MINUTE.
I can walk to bars! Bars I actually go to and want to patron!
Restaurants!
A food co-op!
A video co-op!
School
ALL WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE.
AND! As an added bonus, my great-grandmother used to live on this very street! LIKE TWO BLOCKS AWAY!
If you knew about my family's obsession with former Milwaukee residences, you would understand why that is in all caps.
It's real.
I'm.
I'm real.
BF:
Like I totally have a bf.
And I actually like him!
A lot.
He is cute, smart, funny and good at things and makes up songs about everyday objects much like I do.
He likes ska, but not everyone is perfect.
#LULZING
#JK
(notreally)
#wink
OH!
And he seems to dig my friends and I dig his!
D'awwww.
Too much cuteness right now.
Let's dial it back a notch, kids.
WORK
I interviewed for a new position today! WHAT!?!?
AND.
I actually REALLY want the job. I think it would be awesome/exciting/busy and expand my professional base.
I know.
Where is the snarky tall girl with total apathy about her job.
Look guys.
You can only write "fun and flirty" "sassy and stylish" "cozy and comfy" so many times before all the Cat Harvest sweatshirts start to look alike.
SCHOOL
Well the news can't all be amazing and full of CAPS and #HASHTAGS
School is challenging. Did you know that I had a breakdown in my professor's office? That was awesome. Like a full on, almost sobbing breakdown.
I like to keep it classy.
Egads.
But. I've learned I"m fairly interested in horror and The Walking Dead is a really good show.
I still love Cheetos, wine, carbs.
New to this list: pad thai and dark and stormys and manhattans. Seriously.
I could eat it almost everyday.
ALMOST.
But honestly.
How classy is that list?
It's okay mate, you don't have to say it.
My dogs are still ridiculous.
Topper=lovable grumpy old man (except he's not really old)
Kessie= spry, sassy older woman.
I am contemplating starting a blog about them and their antics.
Mostly the blog would be making up songs about them.
Because that talent needs to be shared.
Be on the lookout of a Topper-fied version of Sympathy for the Devil.
Oh, it's in me.
It's with sadness I announce that I did not do ANYTHING for Hanukkah this year.
Whereas last year Hanukkah (and the Wineauxrah!) were the highlights of my holiday season, this year Christmas/New Years really has to bring it.
Well.
New Years will for sure.
FANCY FROCKS AND FABULOUS FIZZY DRINKS!
If I had a functioning laptop/computer, I would link to Emerson, Lake & Palmer's "I Believe In Father Christmas."
Why?
Cos it's snowing and I just heard almost all of King Crimson's debut album, and I might just become someone who's really into prog. Just saying. (If you can't make that connection on your own, Greg Lake was one of the founding members of King Crimson, but left to join the eponymous Emerson, Lake, and Palmer--Law firm or rock band?)
Thursday night on WMSE is quite possibly the best radio in all of the land.
So this is a totally selfish ME ME ME blog.
But what blogs aren't?
It's been a while.
School.
Stress.
Whole lotta excuses.
Not enough writing.
And.
I MISS IT.
It's been so long.
I feel like the door knocker in Labyrinth that has the knocker in his mouth until Sarah takes it out.
As you can see not much has changed.
Still referencing Labyrinth at every turn.
Oh.
But things HAVE changed.
Make new friends.
Keep the old
One is silver (sing it with me!)
And the other gold.
Newness:
New flat! I moved out of my old, decrepit Misfit Greyhound Manor and am currently residing in Flat of the Misfit Greys. Riverwest! I can walk to get coffee! A lovely tradition my bf and I have taken to on Sunday mornings
WAIT> WHAT!?!?!?!?!
A BF!?!?!
Frankie say Relax. I will get to it in a minute.
IN A MINUTE.
I can walk to bars! Bars I actually go to and want to patron!
Restaurants!
A food co-op!
A video co-op!
School
ALL WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE.
AND! As an added bonus, my great-grandmother used to live on this very street! LIKE TWO BLOCKS AWAY!
If you knew about my family's obsession with former Milwaukee residences, you would understand why that is in all caps.
It's real.
I'm.
I'm real.
BF:
Like I totally have a bf.
And I actually like him!
A lot.
He is cute, smart, funny and good at things and makes up songs about everyday objects much like I do.
He likes ska, but not everyone is perfect.
#LULZING
#JK
(notreally)
#wink
OH!
And he seems to dig my friends and I dig his!
D'awwww.
Too much cuteness right now.
Let's dial it back a notch, kids.
WORK
I interviewed for a new position today! WHAT!?!?
AND.
I actually REALLY want the job. I think it would be awesome/exciting/busy and expand my professional base.
I know.
Where is the snarky tall girl with total apathy about her job.
Look guys.
You can only write "fun and flirty" "sassy and stylish" "cozy and comfy" so many times before all the Cat Harvest sweatshirts start to look alike.
SCHOOL
Well the news can't all be amazing and full of CAPS and #HASHTAGS
School is challenging. Did you know that I had a breakdown in my professor's office? That was awesome. Like a full on, almost sobbing breakdown.
I like to keep it classy.
Egads.
But. I've learned I"m fairly interested in horror and The Walking Dead is a really good show.
I still love Cheetos, wine, carbs.
New to this list: pad thai and dark and stormys and manhattans. Seriously.
I could eat it almost everyday.
ALMOST.
But honestly.
How classy is that list?
It's okay mate, you don't have to say it.
My dogs are still ridiculous.
Topper=lovable grumpy old man (except he's not really old)
Kessie= spry, sassy older woman.
I am contemplating starting a blog about them and their antics.
Mostly the blog would be making up songs about them.
Because that talent needs to be shared.
Be on the lookout of a Topper-fied version of Sympathy for the Devil.
Oh, it's in me.
It's with sadness I announce that I did not do ANYTHING for Hanukkah this year.
Whereas last year Hanukkah (and the Wineauxrah!) were the highlights of my holiday season, this year Christmas/New Years really has to bring it.
Well.
New Years will for sure.
FANCY FROCKS AND FABULOUS FIZZY DRINKS!
If I had a functioning laptop/computer, I would link to Emerson, Lake & Palmer's "I Believe In Father Christmas."
Why?
Cos it's snowing and I just heard almost all of King Crimson's debut album, and I might just become someone who's really into prog. Just saying. (If you can't make that connection on your own, Greg Lake was one of the founding members of King Crimson, but left to join the eponymous Emerson, Lake, and Palmer--Law firm or rock band?)
Thursday night on WMSE is quite possibly the best radio in all of the land.
So this is a totally selfish ME ME ME blog.
But what blogs aren't?
Saturday, June 2, 2012
On Being a Mature Lady
A slew of events have happened recently that have proven to no one but me that I am not only one of the classiest broads I know, but also one of the most mature.
Saw GSC recently and while there was some odd eye contact exchanged, I did NOT act like a neurotic mess! I acted like my charming, and maybe a little tipsy self.
AND! I wasn't all womp womp at the end of the night. LeSigh.
I have had the opportunity to "hang out" with various suitors and I have turned them down! While having lines is extremely beneficial at times (32 is just as much of a time as 31 is), one rarely has control of the situation.
H&M guy is very cute and funny, but it's always this prolonged texting for a week to see if I wanna "hang." Plus the hangs are always good! But I had my dogs to tend to and maybe MAYBE this new boy I'm kinda/sorta seeing had something to do with it. But I'm gonna chalk it up to maturity.
Cold Pizza was my other offer. I think his name says it all. So last night after being all cool, calm and collected and saying hi an what not, he asks if I want to dance. Being a mature lady, I know where this is going.
NO I WILL NOT MAKEOUT WITH YOU.
Or dance with you.
He danced up on me anyway (gross!) and during last call I literally had to tell him that I wasn't going to go home with him. Or that I couldn't.
"Why?" he says.
WHO SAYS THESE THINGS?!?
Do you really want me to tell you why? Because you aren't very good at any aspect of hangs and AND YOU NEVER LEAVE.
Rather than being a meanie, I told him I just couldn't and RadPanda whisked me away.
Outside I chastised a guy who claimed he was 5'9" (it's on his license! It must be true!) when he was really 5'7" or 5'8".
Everything counts in large amounts.
As RadPanda and I rounded the corner to head to the corner we found this poor boy sitting by himself in the grass, clearly wasted/lost. Being mature ladies we literally talk to him like he's a little boy lost at the fair.
We offer rides.
We offer texts as his phone is about to die.
We find out he's in the circus (seriously) and that his name is Tyler.
A random guy tells him to take us up on our offer to drive him home.
He tells us he lives in Waukesha.
At that moment I made an executive decision to just let the poor bloke stay at my house. Where i knew he was too drunk/injured to rape me in my sleep.
Yes. I think about these things.
I also apologized to him for having a messy bathroom AS HE WAS VOMITING IN MY TOILET.
See?
Mature and classy.
Saw GSC recently and while there was some odd eye contact exchanged, I did NOT act like a neurotic mess! I acted like my charming, and maybe a little tipsy self.
AND! I wasn't all womp womp at the end of the night. LeSigh.
I have had the opportunity to "hang out" with various suitors and I have turned them down! While having lines is extremely beneficial at times (32 is just as much of a time as 31 is), one rarely has control of the situation.
H&M guy is very cute and funny, but it's always this prolonged texting for a week to see if I wanna "hang." Plus the hangs are always good! But I had my dogs to tend to and maybe MAYBE this new boy I'm kinda/sorta seeing had something to do with it. But I'm gonna chalk it up to maturity.
Cold Pizza was my other offer. I think his name says it all. So last night after being all cool, calm and collected and saying hi an what not, he asks if I want to dance. Being a mature lady, I know where this is going.
NO I WILL NOT MAKEOUT WITH YOU.
Or dance with you.
He danced up on me anyway (gross!) and during last call I literally had to tell him that I wasn't going to go home with him. Or that I couldn't.
"Why?" he says.
WHO SAYS THESE THINGS?!?
Do you really want me to tell you why? Because you aren't very good at any aspect of hangs and AND YOU NEVER LEAVE.
Rather than being a meanie, I told him I just couldn't and RadPanda whisked me away.
Outside I chastised a guy who claimed he was 5'9" (it's on his license! It must be true!) when he was really 5'7" or 5'8".
Everything counts in large amounts.
As RadPanda and I rounded the corner to head to the corner we found this poor boy sitting by himself in the grass, clearly wasted/lost. Being mature ladies we literally talk to him like he's a little boy lost at the fair.
We offer rides.
We offer texts as his phone is about to die.
We find out he's in the circus (seriously) and that his name is Tyler.
A random guy tells him to take us up on our offer to drive him home.
He tells us he lives in Waukesha.
At that moment I made an executive decision to just let the poor bloke stay at my house. Where i knew he was too drunk/injured to rape me in my sleep.
Yes. I think about these things.
I also apologized to him for having a messy bathroom AS HE WAS VOMITING IN MY TOILET.
See?
Mature and classy.
Monday, May 28, 2012
There's Just So Many Things...I Waaaaaaaaannnnnnnaaaaaa Say.
Nothing like using a Peter Cetera lyric for your title.
I'm just trying to get back into this.
Because it's summer.
And people tell me I'm good at it.
And I need to hone my writing skills.
Last night was a bit rough. But I got through it.
withOUT meds.
withOUT wine.
WITH a friend via text.
WITH a book that I still haven't decided if it's good or not, although it did make me think about my single/slorey lifestyle.
WITH some journaling.
And so.
Here we are.
Non-academic writing for the first time, well, probably since the last blog post.
And let's be real. It's not like my writing is all that academic when it's supposed to be.
A consistent remark on my papers that I get almost A's on.
Oh wells.
Sometimes its fun being dramatic.
Sometimes its fun keeping secrets, even if they're from yourself.
Sometimes boys are dicks.
Sometimes they are really funny and maybe nice.
Sometimes your friends can be dicks.
Most times your friends are super awesome and ridick.
Sometimes its (or is it it's? Where is Gilberto when you need him?) fun to do lady things.
Favorite lady things:
brunching
gossip
dancing
mani-pedis
cute knickers
eyebrow maintenance
crushes (but not really)
Tori Amos' "Scarlett's Walk"
Neko Case
skirts
boxed wine
cheap champers
70s
Sometimes I wonder if I'm trying too hard, or not hard enough.
Horse apiece
Six of one, half a dozen of the other.
Fast and loose or close to the vest?
I will never understand Brazilian waxes.
My dogs bring me an infinite amount of joy.
REALIZATION: If I wasn't single I wouldn't have two dogs.
And I probably wouldn't have the infinite amount of joy they can bring me just by snoring or burping in my face.
Cos my dogs are super classy.
Just like their mum.
Everyone has a fatal flaw.
Mine seems to crop up on the third date or hangout or whatever we're calling these things these days.
Fall off the horse.
Get back on the horse.
I'm thinking of getting a sleeve of Todd Rundgren's Something/Anything album cover on my left forearm. This will happen upon graduating or getting published.
Graduation will most likely happen sooner since I'm not even trying to get published at this point.
Remember when I wrote fiction?
Remember when I used to go out every weekend?
Might I be good at non-fiction writing?
Based upon actual events.
Ripped from the headlines.
I still don't understand poetry. Why be so succinct with words and grammar and syntax? Why not just ramble? Is this an either/or thing? You either get poetry or you don't?
Home Burial by Robert Frost.
Bruises from your dogs are way less fun than bruises from sex.
But still better than bruises from leukemia.
My type A is screaming to get out.
But my type Z is louder.
Topper needs routine.
I think I do too.
I mowed my tiny city yard yesterday and am sore beyond belief.
Bruises on hips.
Scratches on legs.
Muscles ache.
Blister on my thumb.
"Maybe get a blister on your little finger. Maybe get a blister on your thumb," Dire Straits.
I wish communal living wasn't looked down upon.
I wish my friends would all live with me.
It'd be like 1920s Paris every goddamn night.
I wish I was a little bit taller.
Step on in home rehab complete:
Tile for the foyer has been purchased.
My ceiling keeps falling down.
I'm just trying to get back into this.
Because it's summer.
And people tell me I'm good at it.
And I need to hone my writing skills.
Last night was a bit rough. But I got through it.
withOUT meds.
withOUT wine.
WITH a friend via text.
WITH a book that I still haven't decided if it's good or not, although it did make me think about my single/slorey lifestyle.
WITH some journaling.
And so.
Here we are.
Non-academic writing for the first time, well, probably since the last blog post.
And let's be real. It's not like my writing is all that academic when it's supposed to be.
A consistent remark on my papers that I get almost A's on.
Oh wells.
Sometimes its fun being dramatic.
Sometimes its fun keeping secrets, even if they're from yourself.
Sometimes boys are dicks.
Sometimes they are really funny and maybe nice.
Sometimes your friends can be dicks.
Most times your friends are super awesome and ridick.
Sometimes its (or is it it's? Where is Gilberto when you need him?) fun to do lady things.
Favorite lady things:
brunching
gossip
dancing
mani-pedis
cute knickers
eyebrow maintenance
crushes (but not really)
Tori Amos' "Scarlett's Walk"
Neko Case
skirts
boxed wine
cheap champers
70s
Sometimes I wonder if I'm trying too hard, or not hard enough.
Horse apiece
Six of one, half a dozen of the other.
Fast and loose or close to the vest?
I will never understand Brazilian waxes.
My dogs bring me an infinite amount of joy.
REALIZATION: If I wasn't single I wouldn't have two dogs.
And I probably wouldn't have the infinite amount of joy they can bring me just by snoring or burping in my face.
Cos my dogs are super classy.
Just like their mum.
Everyone has a fatal flaw.
Mine seems to crop up on the third date or hangout or whatever we're calling these things these days.
Fall off the horse.
Get back on the horse.
I'm thinking of getting a sleeve of Todd Rundgren's Something/Anything album cover on my left forearm. This will happen upon graduating or getting published.
Graduation will most likely happen sooner since I'm not even trying to get published at this point.
Remember when I wrote fiction?
Remember when I used to go out every weekend?
Might I be good at non-fiction writing?
Based upon actual events.
Ripped from the headlines.
I still don't understand poetry. Why be so succinct with words and grammar and syntax? Why not just ramble? Is this an either/or thing? You either get poetry or you don't?
Home Burial by Robert Frost.
Bruises from your dogs are way less fun than bruises from sex.
But still better than bruises from leukemia.
My type A is screaming to get out.
But my type Z is louder.
Topper needs routine.
I think I do too.
I mowed my tiny city yard yesterday and am sore beyond belief.
Bruises on hips.
Scratches on legs.
Muscles ache.
Blister on my thumb.
"Maybe get a blister on your little finger. Maybe get a blister on your thumb," Dire Straits.
I wish communal living wasn't looked down upon.
I wish my friends would all live with me.
It'd be like 1920s Paris every goddamn night.
I wish I was a little bit taller.
Step on in home rehab complete:
Tile for the foyer has been purchased.
My ceiling keeps falling down.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Today At Work: Homeless Dating Site Business Proposal
An email thread from today...
Subject: RE: Cawfee Tawk
I think I’ll be glued to my desk for a while still… I do want to read this guy’s stuff though.
Any pictures of homeless men?
www.hmless_mn.com/datefinder (this is going to be my big money making site!)--“Matching homeless men with lovely ladies since ‘12”
WARNING: All homeless men have been lightly washed with wet naps and sprayed with Axe.
--
I like to imagine that Random Hobos are circling your house, constantly looking for a way in. Maybe there’s a nest in the chimney?
--
LIKE. You have to set a trap with Basic cigarettes and a cup of McDonald’s coffee.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I feel like children shouldn’t go visit people in jail, unless it’s a parent. Is that elitist?
Rehab is different. Or is it? I don’t know. I’m all mixed up.
Let’s just talk about wet-napping homeless dudes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think they’re scheduling a Scared Straight tour of our department for next month.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------We’re exploiting these homeless dudes to facilitate ladies’ pleasure.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, so say a lovely lady wants to meet up with a random hobo. How will she contact him? Leave a note in a tree?--
I think I’m catching on.
--
That’s basically what okcupid does.
But with more hobos.
--
Subject: RE: Cawfee Tawk
I think I’ll be glued to my desk for a while still… I do want to read this guy’s stuff though.
Any pictures of homeless men?
www.hmless_mn.com/datefinder (this is going to be my big money making site!)--“Matching homeless men with lovely ladies since ‘12”
WARNING: All homeless men have been lightly washed with wet naps and sprayed with Axe.
--
We can go on photo shoots at Bradford Beach. Get them to take their shirts off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I like to imagine that Random Hobos are circling your house, constantly looking for a way in. Maybe there’s a nest in the chimney?
--
LIKE. You have to set a trap with Basic cigarettes and a cup of McDonald’s coffee.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I feel like children shouldn’t go visit people in jail, unless it’s a parent. Is that elitist?
Rehab is different. Or is it? I don’t know. I’m all mixed up.
Let’s just talk about wet-napping homeless dudes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think they’re scheduling a Scared Straight tour of our department for next month.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------We’re exploiting these homeless dudes to facilitate ladies’ pleasure.
--
We should make sure to include that on the site.
--
That will also go on all the business cards.
--
Make sure to put “pleasure” in a fancy cursive font like our wall quote. It makes it supes CLASSY.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, so say a lovely lady wants to meet up with a random hobo. How will she contact him? Leave a note in a tree?--
That’s where the “service” aspect comes in. We’re the hobo-to-lonely lady middlemen.
--
Hobos are rated in cigarettes instead of stars.
--
So it’s like Jessica does with greyhounds. Lonely ladies tell you what they want and you’ll show the lady three hobos who fit that description. And maybe a bonus one that you think might work.
I think I’m catching on.
--
These hobos need homes.
--That’s basically what okcupid does.
But with more hobos.
--
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Nerding Out: Quotables
Let me first just tell you about the day I had, which seems to be culminating into a night/tomorrow of insomnia.
I've actually never really had insomnia before, but after tossing and turning for a half an hour and with the foster pups up and about as well, I figured I might as well get up and document the wondrous day I've had.
And I'm not even being sarcastic.
First of all work was fine. I decided to listen to my sad bastard mix entitled "Quoatables" because I have quotes from all the songs posted in my cubicle at work. I like quotes and I like music.
What.
I do what I want.
But here is a fun fact. If you're not all that depressed, the songs can kind of be uplifting and awesome and full of nostalgia. Or at least fake nostalgia. Or maybe displaced nostalgia.
Ihavenoideawhatiamtalkingabout.
And yes. That is what the majority of this blog will be about.
BUT FIRST.
On my way to class local radio was killing me with commercials or weird hip-hop so I decided to go old school and put on 'KLH. And boy. I couldn't believe how much I was freaking out.
ALL IN A ROW:
Hey, Hey, My, My/Neil Young: IS IT NOT BETTER TO BURN OUT THAN TO FADE AWAY.
Plus Neil Young was one of the first artists I could consistently play songs by on the ol' guit-fiddle.
Hey Joe/Jimi Hendrix
I freaking love this song. Jimi Hendrix was one of the first records I remember thinking "OH MY GOD THIS IS VINYL THIS IS SO RAD" and Hey Joe was on there. And then Hey Joe was featured in another 90s classic, Empire Records. Which I probably can quote too well as witnessed on Monday evening in Third Cinema class. Sometimes I forget my pop culture acumen has a very limited audience.
Hey Jude/The Beatles
Seriously. Do you even know how much I love this song? ITS MY NAMESAKE.
JUDE AND PRUDE RULED HIGH SCHOOL AND ALL THE THINGS IN 1996-98.
Okay. So we didn't necessarily rule anything. But Prude is my oldest/newest bestie and favorite wannabe Jew and favorite shiksa and favorite allthethings.
A little background on why this song is so awesome for me:
Listening to the oldies station whilst growing up. I was maybe 9 or 10. And believe it or not, I always wasn't this awesome. So the crazed shout-screaming was on and to me I just though it sounded like the grittiest, purest rock EVER.
And I couldn't believe my dad was listening to it.
And then when he told me it was the BEATLES. The cutesy fab four that all my aunts liked, well I just couldn't believe it. He then informed me that the Beatles were pretty awesome especially after their cutesy fab four stage (and to be honest, I think they're pretty awesome in their cutesy fab four stage, but that is a whole other nerd issue).
I also wonder how many times I can use the phrase "cutesy fab four."
And. I kind of think it's the greatest song to play air piano to.
So upon finishing this triptych of awesome I called Dear Prudence up and told her of the shenanigans that had just ensued inside of Azure Ray (my car). I was probably talking at my elevated, high pitch squeak that I presume people find totally endearing and not annoying at all (totes jk people. I hate the way my voice sounds and I'm truly sorry it's so whiny and high most of the time), as I'm traipsing across campus. Yes I was one of those.
And then class ensues.
Modern Lit Theory where I feel it's Plan H-ers (my track) against the world.
Rather than talking about the actual THEORIES and how they can be applied to any one of our interests, let's instead talk about how Marx makes us FEEL.
Or that your feelings were hurt by Adorno & Horkheimer.
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME.
AND THEN PRETEND THAT YOU ARE NOT ALL PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLES.
I admit it.
I am a pretentious asshole.
IT'S WHY WE ARE ALL IN GRAD SHOOL.
WE THINK WE ARE SMARTER THAN THE AVERAGE BEAR.
WE THINK OUR TASTES ARE BETTER AND WE ARE TRYING TO PROVE IT
or
WE THINK OUR TASTES ARE RIDICK AND WE ARE TRYING TO VALIDATE IT.
To quote Mugatu.
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills:
Luckily I drove a friend home and I got to decompress a little bit.
Egads.
But.
Back to my original ideas for this post.
1. I realize these blogs get super long and rambly. And I'm sorry. I love run-on sentences as witnessed by my professors incessant comments on my response paper "Reads like a run-on." I clearly don't have an editing function in my brain.
2. It's literally 4am. I am, most likely not going to bed. I got five hours of sleep last night and 4.5 tonight. So give a spinnie a break.
3. I've made up a new word: spinnie. It's like a spinster but full of fun and ridick and awesome, but maybe a little bit of cliche too. At least I don't have cats.
So. I've made this mix entitles "Quoatables" as mentioned earlier.
Sometimes I play it when I wanna suffocate within the Bell Jar, and let's be real. February has been a real doozy.
Is it the leap day? Is it late onset of Seasonal Affective Disorder? Is it the severe lack of snow? I don't know. But in can end at any time.
Just sayin'.
But.
For whatever reason, I am total sucker for Sad Bastard music. I love it.
I can't get enough.
And since I'm more than slightly neurotic and tend to listen to these songs on repeat for hours on end, I thought (THOUGHT being the word) I would try to quantify me obsession, especially since I was in a good mood yesterday and they made me all oddly warm and fuzzy inside.
And we all know how much I love feelings.
Shit might get a little real here.
Stop telling me the right way to go...
Okay. So. Full disclosure. This was kind of my break-up jam of the summer. I listened to this incessantly and I knew I would be okay. And awesome.
Plus, it opens with a van door shutting, which I think is kind of amazing. I don't know. I just like it.
And this live version is delighful and subdued. And I think Mates of State are absolutely adorbs and I think the drummer is cute and nerdy.
So this song reminds me of picking up friends in the cavalier (OH HOW I MISS THAT CAR) and them not judging me or complaining that this song was on repeat on the way too and from our destination.
It's complicated when you gravitate towards yourself...
I have to say, I wasn't a huge fan of SBTRKT. A friend would incessantly post their songs on FB and I was always quite meh about them.
BUT.
During the summer of Hot Messery (as the summer of 2011 shall hitherto be referred to), this was a featured song of the day on NPR.
And.
I loved it.
The narrator just consistently makes bad choices. And knows he will continue to do so.
SIGH.
And the rest of the album has grown on me. Just an FYI. Not a favorite but something I can dig whilst at work.
In secret we believe, we're nothing nothing nothing that we need...
Yes. More Mates of State. Part of me wants to be cynical and wonder when they will get divorced. The other part of me wonders what that must be like, to have a partner that you want/enjoy working with/being around incessantly. AND YET. They write these great songs about suburban disillusionment and consumerism. I don't know. I love it. Although my friend Ables doesn't think this song is that depressing, but I think it's about people giving up and being like, Meh. I guess. And although I am sure we all give up someday, I guess I'm just not ready yet? (it probably doesn't help that my head is filled with Marxist theory right now and it's culminating into this "do what you love/damn the man/save the empire philosophy--wow. Second Empire Records reference...)
To quote Velvet Goldmine:
(side note: I need to buy this movie on DVD. I have it on VHS. I also own casette tapes.)
(side note 2: PRUDE DO YOU REMEMBER TWO RAD MOVIES?)
Do you still feel younger than you thought you would by now...
Yes. I do still feel younger.
But I probably act about 10 years younger than my age too.
Bascially this is your sterotypical love-lost ballad. I just want to be the one he's singing about...Do you look into the mirror to remind yourself you're there. How perfect is that? So many good lines in this gem. LeSigh. And although it's fairly depressing, I can't help but smile when I listen to it.
But I won't ever pass up a moment to tell you replacement's a myth...
This is the LAST Mates of State song, I swear! More disillusionment. More meh-relationships. I cannot, for the life of me figure out this song but it doesn't make me love it any less. Part of me thinks it could actually be about platonic friendship that is lost due to her new relationship? But I don't know. We're just a little bit lost inside our houses. We're just a little unkempt out in the streets.
UGH.
I wanna be smart and write all the things.
Or maybe just less run-on sentences with more coherent thoughts.
We'll run like we're awesome. Totally genius...
Full disclosure: This song wins the prize for most plays on my iTunes.
Here's some of that fake nostalgia I was talking about. Love the imagery of this song. Love thinking it's fall and you're outside playing.
AND I think it recalls "Spirit of the Night" by Bruce Springsteen with it's cake line: Our hands are covered in cake but I swear we didn't have any. Is that a valid connection? Am I the only one who picked up on that? But Spirit in the Night is a very similar in tone and affect (no so much musically) about a group of friends getting together/getting drunk/high/laid. It's just a thought. Maybe that is too broad of a leap. I don't know. I'm not any type of music critic.
Stand in the puddle of the disco ball's glow...
I'm 90% sure there is some literary/mythological reference I'm not getting cos these guys aren't dummies. But that is the genius of it. I don't get the reference but the song is still awesome. Don't get stuck in your head. Come on be the one. AND it uses fun glam-y imagery, which I love. You're a goldmine. Who doesn't want to be told this?
Things I want:
1. slow dance with a boy of interest (i.e. not my brother or dad or cousin or bestie--somehow I missed out on this ritual)
2. be told I am a goldmine
3. be the lady michael ian black as aforementioned
Tell me it's nothing, try to convince me that I'm not drowning...
Ha. If I would have heard this song about two years ago...Well. This quoatables list would have been made then. This version is stripped down and awesome and The Civil Wars are what I listen to every morning when I first get to work. Again. It's not exactly my type of music, but I can't stop. Much like this never-ending blog post.
You were right about the end. It didn't make a difference...
First of all. I wanna wrap myself around the red, beardy goodness that is the lead singer.
Second. I listened to this song on repeat for 2.5 hours after visiting my parents. It was extremely cold out. Super was in the back seat. It was gray. And it was kind of perfect.
How can anybody know how they got to be this way...
I love it when my life foreshadows itself.
It's a recurring theme.
I am nothing without pretend, I know my faults can't live with them...
I just got into Wye Oak. It grows on you. Dreamy noise pop I think I've heard them described as? This version isn't as lush and full as the album version, but it's still rock and roll to me (yeah, that's right. I just threw down some Billy Joel lyrics whilst discussing a hipster band).
And since my life is like a movie/show/allthethings, my alarm just went off. Which I thought was kind of fitting since that was my last song!
Seriously. I can't believe I just literally told you why I love a selection of songs.
If you made it this far.
Well. I would offer you some sort of prize or something, but.
Well. That just isn't going to happen.
I've actually never really had insomnia before, but after tossing and turning for a half an hour and with the foster pups up and about as well, I figured I might as well get up and document the wondrous day I've had.
And I'm not even being sarcastic.
First of all work was fine. I decided to listen to my sad bastard mix entitled "Quoatables" because I have quotes from all the songs posted in my cubicle at work. I like quotes and I like music.
What.
I do what I want.
But here is a fun fact. If you're not all that depressed, the songs can kind of be uplifting and awesome and full of nostalgia. Or at least fake nostalgia. Or maybe displaced nostalgia.
Ihavenoideawhatiamtalkingabout.
And yes. That is what the majority of this blog will be about.
BUT FIRST.
On my way to class local radio was killing me with commercials or weird hip-hop so I decided to go old school and put on 'KLH. And boy. I couldn't believe how much I was freaking out.
ALL IN A ROW:
Hey, Hey, My, My/Neil Young: IS IT NOT BETTER TO BURN OUT THAN TO FADE AWAY.
Plus Neil Young was one of the first artists I could consistently play songs by on the ol' guit-fiddle.
Hey Joe/Jimi Hendrix
I freaking love this song. Jimi Hendrix was one of the first records I remember thinking "OH MY GOD THIS IS VINYL THIS IS SO RAD" and Hey Joe was on there. And then Hey Joe was featured in another 90s classic, Empire Records. Which I probably can quote too well as witnessed on Monday evening in Third Cinema class. Sometimes I forget my pop culture acumen has a very limited audience.
Hey Jude/The Beatles
Seriously. Do you even know how much I love this song? ITS MY NAMESAKE.
JUDE AND PRUDE RULED HIGH SCHOOL AND ALL THE THINGS IN 1996-98.
Okay. So we didn't necessarily rule anything. But Prude is my oldest/newest bestie and favorite wannabe Jew and favorite shiksa and favorite allthethings.
A little background on why this song is so awesome for me:
Listening to the oldies station whilst growing up. I was maybe 9 or 10. And believe it or not, I always wasn't this awesome. So the crazed shout-screaming was on and to me I just though it sounded like the grittiest, purest rock EVER.
And I couldn't believe my dad was listening to it.
And then when he told me it was the BEATLES. The cutesy fab four that all my aunts liked, well I just couldn't believe it. He then informed me that the Beatles were pretty awesome especially after their cutesy fab four stage (and to be honest, I think they're pretty awesome in their cutesy fab four stage, but that is a whole other nerd issue).
I also wonder how many times I can use the phrase "cutesy fab four."
And. I kind of think it's the greatest song to play air piano to.
So upon finishing this triptych of awesome I called Dear Prudence up and told her of the shenanigans that had just ensued inside of Azure Ray (my car). I was probably talking at my elevated, high pitch squeak that I presume people find totally endearing and not annoying at all (totes jk people. I hate the way my voice sounds and I'm truly sorry it's so whiny and high most of the time), as I'm traipsing across campus. Yes I was one of those.
And then class ensues.
Modern Lit Theory where I feel it's Plan H-ers (my track) against the world.
Rather than talking about the actual THEORIES and how they can be applied to any one of our interests, let's instead talk about how Marx makes us FEEL.
Or that your feelings were hurt by Adorno & Horkheimer.
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME.
AND THEN PRETEND THAT YOU ARE NOT ALL PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLES.
I admit it.
I am a pretentious asshole.
IT'S WHY WE ARE ALL IN GRAD SHOOL.
WE THINK WE ARE SMARTER THAN THE AVERAGE BEAR.
WE THINK OUR TASTES ARE BETTER AND WE ARE TRYING TO PROVE IT
or
WE THINK OUR TASTES ARE RIDICK AND WE ARE TRYING TO VALIDATE IT.
To quote Mugatu.
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills:
Luckily I drove a friend home and I got to decompress a little bit.
Egads.
But.
Back to my original ideas for this post.
1. I realize these blogs get super long and rambly. And I'm sorry. I love run-on sentences as witnessed by my professors incessant comments on my response paper "Reads like a run-on." I clearly don't have an editing function in my brain.
2. It's literally 4am. I am, most likely not going to bed. I got five hours of sleep last night and 4.5 tonight. So give a spinnie a break.
3. I've made up a new word: spinnie. It's like a spinster but full of fun and ridick and awesome, but maybe a little bit of cliche too. At least I don't have cats.
So. I've made this mix entitles "Quoatables" as mentioned earlier.
Sometimes I play it when I wanna suffocate within the Bell Jar, and let's be real. February has been a real doozy.
Is it the leap day? Is it late onset of Seasonal Affective Disorder? Is it the severe lack of snow? I don't know. But in can end at any time.
Just sayin'.
But.
For whatever reason, I am total sucker for Sad Bastard music. I love it.
I can't get enough.
And since I'm more than slightly neurotic and tend to listen to these songs on repeat for hours on end, I thought (THOUGHT being the word) I would try to quantify me obsession, especially since I was in a good mood yesterday and they made me all oddly warm and fuzzy inside.
And we all know how much I love feelings.
Shit might get a little real here.
Stop telling me the right way to go...
Okay. So. Full disclosure. This was kind of my break-up jam of the summer. I listened to this incessantly and I knew I would be okay. And awesome.
Plus, it opens with a van door shutting, which I think is kind of amazing. I don't know. I just like it.
And this live version is delighful and subdued. And I think Mates of State are absolutely adorbs and I think the drummer is cute and nerdy.
So this song reminds me of picking up friends in the cavalier (OH HOW I MISS THAT CAR) and them not judging me or complaining that this song was on repeat on the way too and from our destination.
It's complicated when you gravitate towards yourself...
I have to say, I wasn't a huge fan of SBTRKT. A friend would incessantly post their songs on FB and I was always quite meh about them.
BUT.
During the summer of Hot Messery (as the summer of 2011 shall hitherto be referred to), this was a featured song of the day on NPR.
And.
I loved it.
The narrator just consistently makes bad choices. And knows he will continue to do so.
SIGH.
And the rest of the album has grown on me. Just an FYI. Not a favorite but something I can dig whilst at work.
In secret we believe, we're nothing nothing nothing that we need...
Yes. More Mates of State. Part of me wants to be cynical and wonder when they will get divorced. The other part of me wonders what that must be like, to have a partner that you want/enjoy working with/being around incessantly. AND YET. They write these great songs about suburban disillusionment and consumerism. I don't know. I love it. Although my friend Ables doesn't think this song is that depressing, but I think it's about people giving up and being like, Meh. I guess. And although I am sure we all give up someday, I guess I'm just not ready yet? (it probably doesn't help that my head is filled with Marxist theory right now and it's culminating into this "do what you love/damn the man/save the empire philosophy--wow. Second Empire Records reference...)
To quote Velvet Goldmine:
(side note: I need to buy this movie on DVD. I have it on VHS. I also own casette tapes.)
(side note 2: PRUDE DO YOU REMEMBER TWO RAD MOVIES?)
Do you still feel younger than you thought you would by now...
Yes. I do still feel younger.
But I probably act about 10 years younger than my age too.
Bascially this is your sterotypical love-lost ballad. I just want to be the one he's singing about...Do you look into the mirror to remind yourself you're there. How perfect is that? So many good lines in this gem. LeSigh. And although it's fairly depressing, I can't help but smile when I listen to it.
But I won't ever pass up a moment to tell you replacement's a myth...
This is the LAST Mates of State song, I swear! More disillusionment. More meh-relationships. I cannot, for the life of me figure out this song but it doesn't make me love it any less. Part of me thinks it could actually be about platonic friendship that is lost due to her new relationship? But I don't know. We're just a little bit lost inside our houses. We're just a little unkempt out in the streets.
UGH.
I wanna be smart and write all the things.
Or maybe just less run-on sentences with more coherent thoughts.
We'll run like we're awesome. Totally genius...
Full disclosure: This song wins the prize for most plays on my iTunes.
Here's some of that fake nostalgia I was talking about. Love the imagery of this song. Love thinking it's fall and you're outside playing.
AND I think it recalls "Spirit of the Night" by Bruce Springsteen with it's cake line: Our hands are covered in cake but I swear we didn't have any. Is that a valid connection? Am I the only one who picked up on that? But Spirit in the Night is a very similar in tone and affect (no so much musically) about a group of friends getting together/getting drunk/high/laid. It's just a thought. Maybe that is too broad of a leap. I don't know. I'm not any type of music critic.
Stand in the puddle of the disco ball's glow...
I'm 90% sure there is some literary/mythological reference I'm not getting cos these guys aren't dummies. But that is the genius of it. I don't get the reference but the song is still awesome. Don't get stuck in your head. Come on be the one. AND it uses fun glam-y imagery, which I love. You're a goldmine. Who doesn't want to be told this?
Things I want:
1. slow dance with a boy of interest (i.e. not my brother or dad or cousin or bestie--somehow I missed out on this ritual)
2. be told I am a goldmine
3. be the lady michael ian black as aforementioned
Tell me it's nothing, try to convince me that I'm not drowning...
Ha. If I would have heard this song about two years ago...Well. This quoatables list would have been made then. This version is stripped down and awesome and The Civil Wars are what I listen to every morning when I first get to work. Again. It's not exactly my type of music, but I can't stop. Much like this never-ending blog post.
You were right about the end. It didn't make a difference...
First of all. I wanna wrap myself around the red, beardy goodness that is the lead singer.
Second. I listened to this song on repeat for 2.5 hours after visiting my parents. It was extremely cold out. Super was in the back seat. It was gray. And it was kind of perfect.
How can anybody know how they got to be this way...
I love it when my life foreshadows itself.
It's a recurring theme.
I am nothing without pretend, I know my faults can't live with them...
I just got into Wye Oak. It grows on you. Dreamy noise pop I think I've heard them described as? This version isn't as lush and full as the album version, but it's still rock and roll to me (yeah, that's right. I just threw down some Billy Joel lyrics whilst discussing a hipster band).
And since my life is like a movie/show/allthethings, my alarm just went off. Which I thought was kind of fitting since that was my last song!
Seriously. I can't believe I just literally told you why I love a selection of songs.
If you made it this far.
Well. I would offer you some sort of prize or something, but.
Well. That just isn't going to happen.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
I Do What I Want!
Okay okay.
Let's not all freak out.
Yes.
It's a new blog.
And.
I'm not even going to promise to try blog more.
Let's be real.
That just never happens.
I would love to say that oh-so-much has changed.
I would love to say "that it's always darkest before the dawn or some shit, right" as my bestie MD has told me.
But alas.
Let's just get the nuts and bolts out of the way:
1. Pitchers and catchers report in 11!!!!!!!!!!! days people.
ELEVEN:
And yes, I know I always say I don't put much faith in spring training cos it doesn't matter. BUT.
Did you even know that the Brewers were the NLCS Champs last year?
It's true.
We were.
And yes.
I totally should have been blogging all about it.
Fail on my part.
But it was exciting and drunken and debaucherous.
And.
Can we please, PRETTY PLEASE make debaucherous a word.
a. I don't like that it gets the red squiggly line
b. I use it a lot
c. It basically describes my very existence.
2. SCHOOL STUFF
Did you even know I got a 3.8 last semester?
Sure, it's not the 4.0 I wanted but considering the utter shite I went through last semester I will take it.
I love my classes even MORE this semester but still have the same insecurities that I have all the time and am secretly hoping this blog will strengthen my weak writing skills so I can become a world-class talking head on those pop culture shows, just like Michael Ian Black.
Yes.
The reason I'm going to grad school is so I can:
a. wear jeans and blazers with elbow patches
b. bring my dog to work
c. be smarter than most people
d. watch and read things and say it's for research but it's really cos I find Christian Bale/David Bowie/Ryan Gosling/insertflavorofthemonthhere dreamy
e. maybe get published
f. be liked by my classmates even if I am the dumb one (as long as they think I'm funny and skinny RIIIIIIIGGGHHHTTTTT??????)
g.be a lady Michael Ian Black.
3. Dogs in Jammies
Here is a fun fact:
If you're down.
And troubled.
And you need a helping hand.
And nothing.
Oh nothing is going right...
Just post a picture as your status on facebook of at least one, but preferably six, greyhounds in jammies and you will get the most likes you've ever gotten.
You don't even need to say anything witty! Or smart!
It's SO SIMPLE.
ANYONE CAN USE IT:
4. Life in the Bell Jar
Let's be real. 2011 was mighty MIGHTY crust-ridden.
I learned that not only is lying an awesome super-power I have, but impeccable timing at break-ups is also one.
My dog died.
I had to suck it up and go on some meds to deal with my stress cos I'm not as strong and awesome as I thought I was.
I still hate feelings (even good ones, cos the neurotic pessimist in me can't just chill and listen to some Nina Simone).
I am still really good at finding/keeping besties.
5. Things I love/wanna marry (cos I refuse to end this on a downer):
a. iPhone! Yes! I still love it! I love texting (especially, shit is gonna get mega girly here, when they are from boys. swoon swoon swoon)! I love SoundHound! I love Cyanide & Happiness! I can track my period (seriously, I know I should be able to do this being a semi-functional adult but for the first time EVER I don't have to stare at my JD/MD when he asks me when my last period was--seriously dudes. It's not as easy as it sounds).
b. Twitter! Thanks to P&J and their now infamous "I don't know what tiara you're talking about" line of 2011, I felt all things NYE needed to be documented and Twitter seemed the way to do it. PLUS I can be oh so neurotic and girly and LAME and oh so few people know about it! PLUS I can follow my neurotic besties and Michael Ian Black so I can learn all things sarcasm and wit and cunning.
c. French press! I love coffee. PO gave me a *foreveralone* french press that is oh so fashionable and cute and great. Yumzoes on the halfshell.
d. Space heater! Since my own personal space heater, Super Code McGavin, is no longer with us and since I live in Misfit Greyhound Manor and all of the dogs have sleep space issues, my room gets cold. Again, thanks to bff PO I have a space heater! I wake up to warmth! It makes showering *somewhat* enjoyable.
e. my work mates. seriously. these are some of the funniest/nerdiest/most awesome people ever. On the reservation.
f. my non-work mates. Pax! Ables! Jobes! Master E! Slaur! RadPanda! Maux! LadyManLady! Why are you all so awesome! Why can't we all live together with just copious amounts of dogs and booze and dancing and microphones?
News:
1. I need a haircut. I will be taking any and all suggestions
2. I think Type A Jj is back.
2a. I like this plan, I'm excited to be part of it
3. I'm fairly certain I have a crush on a boy.
3a. leSigh
And just for fun.
This is the song I listened to on repeat today, just in case you didn't believe me when I said I was a neurotic shiksa (in my defense I was, to quote Joann, having a bad day):
Let's not all freak out.
Yes.
It's a new blog.
And.
I'm not even going to promise to try blog more.
Let's be real.
That just never happens.
I would love to say that oh-so-much has changed.
I would love to say "that it's always darkest before the dawn or some shit, right" as my bestie MD has told me.
But alas.
Let's just get the nuts and bolts out of the way:
1. Pitchers and catchers report in 11!!!!!!!!!!! days people.
ELEVEN:
And yes, I know I always say I don't put much faith in spring training cos it doesn't matter. BUT.
Did you even know that the Brewers were the NLCS Champs last year?
It's true.
We were.
And yes.
I totally should have been blogging all about it.
Fail on my part.
But it was exciting and drunken and debaucherous.
And.
Can we please, PRETTY PLEASE make debaucherous a word.
a. I don't like that it gets the red squiggly line
b. I use it a lot
c. It basically describes my very existence.
2. SCHOOL STUFF
Did you even know I got a 3.8 last semester?
Sure, it's not the 4.0 I wanted but considering the utter shite I went through last semester I will take it.
I love my classes even MORE this semester but still have the same insecurities that I have all the time and am secretly hoping this blog will strengthen my weak writing skills so I can become a world-class talking head on those pop culture shows, just like Michael Ian Black.
Yes.
The reason I'm going to grad school is so I can:
a. wear jeans and blazers with elbow patches
b. bring my dog to work
c. be smarter than most people
d. watch and read things and say it's for research but it's really cos I find Christian Bale/David Bowie/Ryan Gosling/insertflavorofthemonthhere dreamy
e. maybe get published
f. be liked by my classmates even if I am the dumb one (as long as they think I'm funny and skinny RIIIIIIIGGGHHHTTTTT??????)
g.be a lady Michael Ian Black.
3. Dogs in Jammies
Here is a fun fact:
If you're down.
And troubled.
And you need a helping hand.
And nothing.
Oh nothing is going right...
Just post a picture as your status on facebook of at least one, but preferably six, greyhounds in jammies and you will get the most likes you've ever gotten.
You don't even need to say anything witty! Or smart!
It's SO SIMPLE.
ANYONE CAN USE IT:
4. Life in the Bell Jar
Let's be real. 2011 was mighty MIGHTY crust-ridden.
I learned that not only is lying an awesome super-power I have, but impeccable timing at break-ups is also one.
My dog died.
I had to suck it up and go on some meds to deal with my stress cos I'm not as strong and awesome as I thought I was.
I still hate feelings (even good ones, cos the neurotic pessimist in me can't just chill and listen to some Nina Simone).
I am still really good at finding/keeping besties.
5. Things I love/wanna marry (cos I refuse to end this on a downer):
a. iPhone! Yes! I still love it! I love texting (especially, shit is gonna get mega girly here, when they are from boys. swoon swoon swoon)! I love SoundHound! I love Cyanide & Happiness! I can track my period (seriously, I know I should be able to do this being a semi-functional adult but for the first time EVER I don't have to stare at my JD/MD when he asks me when my last period was--seriously dudes. It's not as easy as it sounds).
b. Twitter! Thanks to P&J and their now infamous "I don't know what tiara you're talking about" line of 2011, I felt all things NYE needed to be documented and Twitter seemed the way to do it. PLUS I can be oh so neurotic and girly and LAME and oh so few people know about it! PLUS I can follow my neurotic besties and Michael Ian Black so I can learn all things sarcasm and wit and cunning.
c. French press! I love coffee. PO gave me a *foreveralone* french press that is oh so fashionable and cute and great. Yumzoes on the halfshell.
d. Space heater! Since my own personal space heater, Super Code McGavin, is no longer with us and since I live in Misfit Greyhound Manor and all of the dogs have sleep space issues, my room gets cold. Again, thanks to bff PO I have a space heater! I wake up to warmth! It makes showering *somewhat* enjoyable.
e. my work mates. seriously. these are some of the funniest/nerdiest/most awesome people ever. On the reservation.
f. my non-work mates. Pax! Ables! Jobes! Master E! Slaur! RadPanda! Maux! LadyManLady! Why are you all so awesome! Why can't we all live together with just copious amounts of dogs and booze and dancing and microphones?
News:
1. I need a haircut. I will be taking any and all suggestions
2. I think Type A Jj is back.
2a. I like this plan, I'm excited to be part of it
3. I'm fairly certain I have a crush on a boy.
3a. leSigh
And just for fun.
This is the song I listened to on repeat today, just in case you didn't believe me when I said I was a neurotic shiksa (in my defense I was, to quote Joann, having a bad day):
Monday, September 5, 2011
Ketchup
One day there were three tomatoes walking down the street, a mama tomato, a daddy tomato and a baby tomato. Baby tomato is walking too slowly, so the daddy tomato goes back, steps on him and says 'ketchup!' "
*GROAN*
Most of you know the changes that have come about, that will be coming about.
And I feel bad about neglecting you for so long, but I didn't want this blog to just be me whining about how I think I need anti-anxiety meds or a yoga class or to get laid.
So in a nutshell:
*GROAN*
Most of you know the changes that have come about, that will be coming about.
And I feel bad about neglecting you for so long, but I didn't want this blog to just be me whining about how I think I need anti-anxiety meds or a yoga class or to get laid.
So in a nutshell:
- I'm single for the first time in almost 11 years.
- I'm still crazy after all these years.
- Some could say I ended things, but I think that is debatable.
- 31 is a time, and just like every other break-up I've had (yes, all two of them prior to this one), I have impeccable timing
- Breakdowns are not fun at all, especially for those of us who claim we don't have tear ducts
- My friends and family are truly awesome and lovely and amazing (hereby referred to as "besties")
- He took the Elvis Costello records
- I received a wee scholarship to grad school!
- Grad school starts on wednesday and I'm stupid excited for it.
- I can't believe how much I enjoy the crushing loneliness that is living by myself.
- Lines are not easily cast/reeled in/caught/kept
- Thank god for the smooth jazz stylings of Tony Bennett/George Benson/Chuck Mangione
- Thank god for Neko Case/the New Pornographers/Mates of State and all the other sad bastard music out there
- The Brewers are in first. Like for-real first.
- This past Saturday night was spent with besties, sipping mai-tai's, while I texted my dad smooth jazz puns regarding above artists and the Brewers; I hadn't laughed that hard in a long time.
- Not that it happens often, but I have absolutely no idea what to do with hit-ons by people I find semi-attractive/line worthy
- I'm still a super jealous person which is a total first world problem
- I just learned about first world problems, from a new bestie
- I collect besties like it's my job, but I have tons of new besties that seriously make me guffaw on a daily basis. Yeah, I just said guffaw
- This doesn't mean I love the old besties any less.
- Make new friends, keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.
- Besties, booze and the brewers (andsomesupergooditwasfunwhileitlastedyouknow) have kept me sane through all of this.
Loves.
Seriously.
Loves.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Grad School Groundling
It's a bit behind the times.
But.
I told you I got into grad school right?
Yes. I did. I just checked.
Oh.
Technology.
But.
Did I tell you I got a scholarship?!?
I feel a *little* awkward about it as I feel like it's kind of bragging, but I'm also kind of super excited about it.
If memory serves, it was the night I swore off heels (see previous blog post regarding Hobo-Walker), and I was going through the mail before heading out to a friend's house for Bananafest, our semi-regular and oh-so-adult game night.
I still get excited about non-bill mail, and since this was about school I figured it was my registration date or something else that people find utterly mundane but I love.
And there it was "Congratulations. You've been selected to receive the Chancellor's Award For Excellence."
What!?
I couldn't, really, believe it as I didn't even APPLY for a scholarship. But apparently it's an award that the application committee gives out.
And yes, I've looked into it. They don't just give it to everyone (yes, I literally thought that maybe everyone gets a mini-scholarship).
E thinks it may have been my essay I submitted, but I really didn't think it was that great. Was it my reasons statement? Was it just a random selection of newbies?
Most likely, I will never know.
But.
It doesn't affect my financial aid and I think it's pretty cool to quote the Miley Cyrus Show on SNL.
In other grad school news:
I met with my defacto advisor (maybe they were so impressed with my thesis idea/crazy pre-planning and THAT is why they awarded me the scholarship?) and picked my classes.
I will be taking:
Discourse Analysis with the professor who taught my summer linguistics class last summer (and wrote me a recommendation letter!). She actually suggested I take it this past fall, but as I wasn't accepted yet I decided against another "for fun." class.
Intro to Film Studies--Theory and Rhetoric. You are all going to hate me even more than you already do.
Both classes are in the late afternoon and are only one day a week. Work knows and is okay with me leaving early/coming early to get my 40 hours.
The only problem?
I have to wait until FALL to start!
I'm such a nerd.
At least I have my summer reading list to keep up with.
Supes loves academia.
But.
I told you I got into grad school right?
Yes. I did. I just checked.
Oh.
Technology.
But.
Did I tell you I got a scholarship?!?
I feel a *little* awkward about it as I feel like it's kind of bragging, but I'm also kind of super excited about it.
If memory serves, it was the night I swore off heels (see previous blog post regarding Hobo-Walker), and I was going through the mail before heading out to a friend's house for Bananafest, our semi-regular and oh-so-adult game night.
I still get excited about non-bill mail, and since this was about school I figured it was my registration date or something else that people find utterly mundane but I love.
And there it was "Congratulations. You've been selected to receive the Chancellor's Award For Excellence."
What!?
I couldn't, really, believe it as I didn't even APPLY for a scholarship. But apparently it's an award that the application committee gives out.
And yes, I've looked into it. They don't just give it to everyone (yes, I literally thought that maybe everyone gets a mini-scholarship).
E thinks it may have been my essay I submitted, but I really didn't think it was that great. Was it my reasons statement? Was it just a random selection of newbies?
Most likely, I will never know.
But.
It doesn't affect my financial aid and I think it's pretty cool to quote the Miley Cyrus Show on SNL.
In other grad school news:
I met with my defacto advisor (maybe they were so impressed with my thesis idea/crazy pre-planning and THAT is why they awarded me the scholarship?) and picked my classes.
I will be taking:
Discourse Analysis with the professor who taught my summer linguistics class last summer (and wrote me a recommendation letter!). She actually suggested I take it this past fall, but as I wasn't accepted yet I decided against another "for fun." class.
Intro to Film Studies--Theory and Rhetoric. You are all going to hate me even more than you already do.
Both classes are in the late afternoon and are only one day a week. Work knows and is okay with me leaving early/coming early to get my 40 hours.
The only problem?
I have to wait until FALL to start!
I'm such a nerd.
At least I have my summer reading list to keep up with.
Supes loves academia.
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